This time last year I woke up for my 7th day in the local hospital with Endocarditis (inflamed heart lining and infection on heart valve) and Septicemia. I was expecting to feel even better, because for the last few days I had done, with them constantly pumping antibiotics into my veins. But when I woke up properly, I realised I felt pretty awful, as in, even worse. I think I hoped that I was just imagining it, because I didn\'t say anything. Stupid nurses only realised when they did my obs (temperature, oxygen in blood, heart rate, blood pressure) at about 11am. After finally noticing that my temperature had shot way back up and my heart rate had also gone up (and also my heart had a pretty loud murmur) they called my cardiologist, and someone did an xray, someone else did an echo, they took some blood etc etc. I told one of the nurses that I wanted my mum and she said she\'d call her in a minute. After 45 minutes I asked her if she\'d called her and she replied "I\'ll call her in a few minutes, alright grumpy?!" I can\'t believe it now. I was lying there battling for life, not able to breathe all that well. I just wanted to close my eyes and die, I felt that ill. And she was just swanning around the ward smiling. My mum finally arrived though, and started packing my stuff up. They\'d already called Glenfield hospital to tell them they absolutely HAD to take me. Apparently they\'d been trying to get them to take me all week, but Glenfield, being in the top 3 specialist heart hospitals in England, were really busy and weren\'t sure they\'d have a bed in intensive care. They did the echo, and i was lying there topless with my mum, the stupid nurse, the echo technician, my cardiologist, and another doctor crowding round me. At one point they didn\'t even close the fucking curtain properly so half the people in the room could see me. I had a go at them and eventually my mum got up and closed it properly. Luckily it was a single sex ward. But it was like they just didn\'t give a damn about my dignity anymore. 

After absolutely ages having the echo done, with them all looking more and more terrified, they told me that one of my leaflets on my valve had completely been destroyed and therefore was regurgitating. Hence why i couldn\'t breathe that fantastically well. So they put me back onto the Coronary care unit while we waited for the ambulance. My mums best friend, Liz (sort of like a second mum) rushed in and kept us all upbeat as usual. My sisters came in and helped my mum to pack. I didn\'t realise that they were pretty much coming in to say goodbye in case they didn\'t see me again. The nurse (another awful one, she was a complete bitch) gave me an injection of diuretics into my IV line, and my catheter bag went from nearly empty to completely full within about 10 seconds because i had that much fluid on me. My mum told me that the Dr I\'d be under at Glenfield was Madeleine McCann\'s dad, so to give him a big smile when i saw him because he didn\'t know where his daughter was.

Eventually the ambulance came, and about 3 men tried to get me from my bed onto the ambulance thing, without causing me too much pain. It was agony. My mum and sisters had gone to take the bags out and wait at the ambulance. Liz walked alongside me, reassuring me. My Dad had managed to drive back from Wales in time and was at the ambulance too. By that point i was feeling much better, and thought of food the whole time that the ambulance was going at 100mph towards Glenfield. 

It was so nice at Glenfield, more like a hotel. I got put in a general cardiac ward, and Dr McCann came to do an echo. I could see the look on his face change to shock then mild terror, and he told me last December at my final appt that he couldn\'t believe how bad it was and how lucky i am to be here. Heard that one before. Then, after a blur of things happening, he told me I needed emergency surgery to repair the valve because it was so destroyed. I started crying, and half the people there were telling me to be strong and not cry because it would be over soon and I\'d be fine. The other half were telling me to let it all out. I got my mum to call Harry because i wanted to see him, and the surgeon\'s registrar had told me there was a chance i wouldn\'t make it. Harry cried when i told him that, and i tried to comfort him, but could only move my arm slightly, so had to just tell him it would be okay. 

Until yesterday I really wanted to celebrate tomorrow. But when i first mentioned celebrating the anniversaries a while ago, my mum and sister sniggered at me. And today i just want to curl up and die. There\'s no one who actually cares except harry. My friends at uni only knew me after it all happened. My friends here aren\'t all that amazing. And everyone has their own life anyway, it\'s not like they understand. How many people my age have to deal with that kind of thing. Of course they don\'t really care. 

So right now a year ago, I was attached to the heart monitor and my mum was feeding me my lunch, brown rice, which was disgusting. 


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