I wanted to stay longer . I wanted the night to last. I didn’t want to say good bye. I was enjoying the conversation, I was enjoying just being there. I didn’t care how much my head was hurting.
We started to leave and as we said our goodbyes, I fought back the tears, and the pain. I wanted to scream at him not to leave me to stay with me. I was in pain and afraid but when he is there I am not afraid. With his steadiness I am calm and for the most part I can work through the pain.
My other friend Mitchell is always there for me, making sure that I am OK and that I don’t hurt myself. But he doesnt let me feel the pain. He just wants it to stop. I know that he wants it for me that he doesn’t like to see me suffer. But sometimes I need to feel the pain and grief.
I hear the words less than a year echoing through my head. I can’t fathom how much time “ less than a year is“. Less than a year till this tumor in my head takes over completely. What does that mean? what it means is that there will be more seizures, more pain, I’ll lose my sight, my brain will turn into Swiss cheese. Less than a year….. I am running out of time. I just hope that when my time comes I have the courage to do what needs to be done. To say the things that need to be said.
I want to explode. I have before when I felt safe enough. I never feel safe enough anymore. I want to hold my pain, fear and anger. I want to let it engulf me, to permeate my soul, to seep out of my pores and then “give it up” as the Catholics would say.
I want to know what this illness really means. I want to understand it. Is there anyway for me to detach myself from it, to examine it, to dissect it. To get to know every part of it. And know it for what it really is?
I am days away from leaving for grad school. It has been a dream of mine for a while to finish, but now it seems even more important. I told Father that I wanted to finish so I could show my dad that I could do it, but what I didn’t tell him was that I wanted to finish for him as well. I wanted to be able to come back home and like a little child with their art project hold it out to him and say “ look what I did”. he has given me so much. Friendship, compassion, hope and he has given me back my faith, not just in God but in myself as well.. I just wanted to be able to show him how much it all has meant to me.
Even now as I write this the pain is becoming unbearable. The old familiar feeling… I am going down. Less than a year….. I want to tell him all of this before it is to late. I need to make my confession. A pure and brutal confession. I want to know that if the end happens before I get back then he will know how I feel, that they will all know how I feel.
I am in pain… more than just physical pain…. I want so much more. so much that I will never have. I guess that is the curse of all mankind. To always want more…to always be searching, looking, longing, but never attaining. .. I dream of peace and rest..