Funny sometimes when we know we are sick ahead of our body we tend to over think things as they appear in our body as we watch our body react.Now comes the fun part which is figure out what exactly is making me sick?As time goes on losing weight, feeling lethargic oops that’s not a true feeling that is medicine educed wondering what else is; by the time your friends tell you that your acting really strange it’s toolate you notice too.
Speaking about these things with ones Dr. can be a tricky thing especially when they ask you what is wrong and you have to figure out what is truth and what is medicine which isn’t that easy.They sit and look at you listen to you going crazy trying to figure this out too.Then you mention the right medicine and you see a light go on saying oh know let’s try you on something else, the medicine we gave you isn’t right for you.So you try this new medicine out and it works now you go back to the real issue if you remember what that is.
Still losing weight, eating well nothing drinking a can of Ensure in 3 hrs does make your mind wonder if you are getting enough nutrition inside.Time goes on friends help bringing food you can’t eat more than 4 bites of, others getting upset because your mood changes quickly along with your appetite which is there but you hurt bad enough that you don’t want food, just a bed. Other friends taking you out to eat to a smorgasbord of food to see what you can eat or drink if anything; leaving there for the 5th time eating once again only 5 or 6 bites you feel badly as you couldn’t eat and your friends are out the money for you to eat.Bringing the food home only sits in the fridge till you throw it away or you give it to the lucky k-9 companion feeling badly about throwing all that food away.
Making trips back and forth to the hospital getting test done every two weeks looking for answers while you lose weight watching your body react normally to the situation.I mean let’s face it if you’re not eating anything well nothing in nothing out!Sets a whole new pattern of alarms off because you are suppose to have a bowl movement every day well it’s been 9 days and nothing.The alarms go off as you wonder why, thinking ok nothing in nothing out makes since ok listening to the dr. time to go to the ER. Do you have chest pain yes but (alarms are sounded all ready they didn’t get past the chest pain) there’s a whole lot more going on for weeks, actually months.As the day goes by and night comes they release you realizing there is nothing they can do for you as your ok, well kind of.They can see something going on too but just don’t know what yet; we’ll leave that for the experts. You get home there’s food at the door step what asurprise, friends over visiting immediately not sure how they knew I was on my way home, other friends calling atthe right time and you don’t want to be rude so you answer the phone.You turn out being rude anyway as more people walk in the door you got to hang the phone up and go to bed just too much.Waking up and everyone is gone except a friend whose watching over you to make sure all is okay thankfully turning off your phone so you can sleep.
Test reveal nothing once again really; I mean they have produced some results telling me everything looks good yet does look like something is wrong causing you issues just what?A few months go buy (yes I said months) and your weight goes down where you wear three pairs of pants & 4 shirts because it makes you look ok. After awhile losing weight does affect one’s self in many ways, even how others look at you or react to seeing you seem different.People visiting saying wow you lost some weight which you know they know and that they want you to feel okay too yet your mind is reminded once again your losing weight and sick.No that’s not the intent it’s just what our mind does playing tricks on us if you’re good enough you can catch it.
I get tired of it, I need a break from me, the hospitals, drs what do you do?My answer sleep; ah depression well yeah could be however going back to why you’re sick, you have no energy to do anything, you’re not eating to maintain your weight so you do get tired more not to mention the pain. Oh yes we haven’t even touched on the subject of pain, not sure I want to go there.Plus when you’re not able to drive your car and there is a ton of snow outside and cold weather affects your pain level you tend to stay inside.
Pain = what is going on, what canI do to get out of pain or to changeor to cope or to questions they never stop yet when you’re in pain you do instantly boom on the floor, if you’re lucky your at home in bed. Oh more meds how joyful well that’s not the answer need a new answer.One can only take so much morphine before one can no longer operate, when you reach that point oops too far.There is something to be said about being in pain at sporadic times you can be chatting with a friend and go from great mood to sour mood to ugly mood in seconds if that.If your friends are good and watching they will actually see this happen not realizing what is going on and it’s difficult to say anything but you’re in pain and got to goto bed.Knowing how your attitude can change and some friends are able to handle that part of you perhaps neither are you but you can’t deal with that now. You just got to lie down and boom you’re out like a light asleep.Most people can’t sleep with pain yet I have trained my body to put myself to sleep when I reach a certain pain level I can’t tolerate which seems to work. Thanks to a Dr who was able to help me train myself to do that through meditation I can relax enough to let go and fall asleep.
Stress can equal many things and create many things in one’s body as well and no matter how good you are at letting go of stress it has a way of sneaking up on you when you’re not looking.So what can one do to let go of the stress now; it’s something you have to take a real good hard look at not just a few seconds.We all have our own unique way of dealing with stress for some it is correct and for others it is totally wrong.Okay so the stressors are being worked on and what can be released you have released so what’s next.Well you’re still sick and you want to heal doing your share.
I tend to look at life as what can I do to make a difference, how can I help make the change I wish to see. Sometimes it’s by a simple smile, calling a friend at the right time to say hi, or simply sending out positive thoughts and energy.Just because I don’t feel good doesn’t mean that I am a negative person sorry wrong guy and I don’t have time for that in my life.
Sitting with a few close friends watching a movie fixing food for everyone sitting down and I get hungry.Breathe do I want to do this yes so I go eat and I eat and I eat and I eat.Change has happened in some way shape or form.That night going to bed I’m hurting again tossing and turning feeling energy from so many waking up the next morning I’m hungry again no longer in pain I eat not a lot mind you just a few bites.Night comes I eat more wow I’m getting excited just to eat a plate of food, okay not great food however I’m eating and I’m drinking.What changed?Night comes I’m tossing and turning feeling energy still, energize stomach sore I wake and write so here we are.Does this mean my body has changed, that I can eat now, gain my weight back, go out and hike with the dog again?Perhaps we shall see its only 2:42 am lol and I’m excited that I ate, belly swollen because I did eat, hiccups, sore, but I ate.I’ll take progress of any type.
Looking back at everything I wonder could this be my HIV meds doing this to me?Yes it could and they are the only knew thing I have had in 6 months yet they are also doing good things at the same time so the fear is if I come off I’m back in the hospital again which I don’t want.I fight with the meds in my mind wondering if they are a good thing now or bad needing to be careful as this is dangerous ground to tread on. I don’t want to subconsciously say no to them and still take them that will do so much more harm than good.I can say for now I’m not hungry; I’m hurting again and actually getting ready for bed.To say that this has taken me all most 3 hrs to write is funny for how fast I use to type.
HIV/AIDS can affect so many different things in one’s body in so many different ways.What it does to one it may not do to another person it has its own way it seems of working doing its job whatever that may be I’m not really sure of that part yet and not sure any one is.I have seen what it has done to my life how it has changed it not really sure at times if it was for the good or for the bad.I look back on all the things I use to be able to accomplish and now am thankful to make it through the day just feeling good accomplishing my few small goals that I may have. Even those can seem mountainous to me at times all though they are just small things most people could deal with yet I have major issues in just getting some of them done.I feel grateful to be alive, to have the friends that I do, thankful everyday that they are capable of handling my strange issues I have, mood changes and all.I do believe being thankful for what I have is something that will help me get through everything I’m going through. I may not have much however I have a lot of love to give and to receive which I am truly thankful for every day.