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So…I lost my first kiss last night. Part of me is glad I didn’t wait until the wedding day like I’d planned for so many years. It would’ve been extremely hard to hold out that long. And when I finally kissed, I realized just how awkward it would’ve been to share the first one with no practice at the altar. So yay to that.

The other part says I’m super sad about having lost my first kiss. Yes, I’m 26, and most people kissed YEARS ago…but, I dunno, I wanted it to be much more special. Like, I wanted my first to be under a moonlight sky after a fancy dinner & dancing out on a balcony to someone I was madly in love with (what can I say, I’m a hardcore romantic). Instead, it was with a guy I hardly am even in like with. I can’t really explain why I did it. I guess because I’ve been curious for a long time, and for the last 3 months he’d been hoping for one and I wanted to make him happy and I knew that three months was a long time for any guy to have patience. I didn’t want to lose him. Don’t get me wrong, I know pressuring someone to do something is bad, but he really didn’t until last night other than to mention it a couple times, and he still asked before doing it. And I guess I felt like I could hold out, but for what? Prince Charming is nowhere near in sigh, nor has he ever been…

The experience itself? All a bit odd. He said most girls say he’s a good kisser, and I’m sure he is. I just had never kissed anyone and to me the whole experience is not as thrilling as you’d expect. I got a couple tingles, but not as much as I expected. Of course, maybe that’s because of the not-strong-like being there for me. But anyway, I guess I found myself laughing throughout most of it, like the whole concept and idea of someone’s squishy and wet lips being pressed against yours is just weird and gross to me. Who invented kissing anyway? Maybe I think too much.

He wants to kiss me a lot and I let him but I really don’t like it. Uggh.

The other thing that bugs me about all this though, is he still hasn’t asked me to his graduation ball and it’s only two weeks away now. I’m pretty sure he’s not going to ask. And I don’t get that. He knows I would go because I love to dance and get dressed up. And as far as I know, he has to take a date. And I know I’m the only girl he hangs out with because he’s with me all the time. And I know he knows I would say yes because I said yes the time he asked me before we broke up. So why is it now that we’re in this awkward whatever phase that he won’t ask me…guys are weird. I think he’s definitely not getting another kiss unless he takes me.

And seriously, after him, I will not date or whatever we’re doing until it’s someone I really could see myself marrying. It’s a huge battle against the flesh for nothing except the chance to have someone to be with. I just really hope I start making some friends once he moves in 2 weeks so I won’t be so tempted to be desperate again.

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