I woke up today so anxious and I was fixing like everything. I can't even remember what I was doing but I remember I wasn't happy. Then I had a math quiz first block and I was so tense the whole time. I haven't been liking pencils recently but I knew I had to use one because I needed to erase, but the tip kept breaking because I was pressing down really hard, but it was mechanical so i just had to press the button for new lead but I was so frusterated and I was erasing everything I was writing even though I was trying not to. By the time I went to my next class I had a headache and I could feel the tightness in my shoulders.

Also, have you ever wanted someone to know something but not tell them? That's how I feel with my OCD. I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't want to tell anyone I have it. It's fine for me to write it here, because I'm not actually saying it, and because everyone already knows anyway. But, I just don't want to say the word. Well, words. Like, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It sounds so intimidating. Even OCD just sounds bad to me. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of it.

I don't even think anyone would believe me anyway! You always hear people like using OCD as a joke and saying they have an OCD habit, it's like NO YOU DON'T! I DO AND IT SUCKS SO KEEP THAT WORD OUT OF YOUR MOUTH UNTIL YOU LEARN HOW YO USE IT!!! And if I tell anyone I have it they'll think I'm one of those people and they won't believe me and I'm so mad because it's tearing me apart and I don't know how to get it out! I'm just so stressed out and I'm so tired and I'm so done with everything going on. There's even a psychologist at my school! But, no, I'm too scared to even talk to the guy. I bet he's even nice, could know a thing or two about OCD, is willing to help me. Who knows? I sure don't. Maybe I'll call him up, Hey doc, wanna help me? I'm a freaking basket case. I'm actually a closet basket case. No one even knows the extent, except for maybe my boyfriend, he's seen a meltdown or two.

Everyday I tell myself that maybe today is the day that I tell someone. It never is. Maybe tomorrow will be the day? I even make up plans for what I would do. I have two of them. I don't even know if they would work.

1. Tell favorite teacher who also knows about psychology, talk to him, have him tell psychologist or have him force me to talk to him.

2. Go to nurse when I'm wicked stressed, then find guidence counselor that could direct me to the psychologist.

I don't even know what I would be getting myself into. Would he have to talk to my parents? Would i get a therapist? Would I have to talk to this guy at school like everyday instead of lunch or something?

I don't even know what I want. My mind is jumbled. And it's so damn cold out. Omg I'm freezing.

Okay, the longest blog ever is now ended. Feel free to give me any sort of advice and I promise to at least think about it unless you yell at me then I'll do it because then you probably mean business.

-Toni

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