I don’t want to continue being obsessive with my daily logs.
I identify that what I’m doing is just another obsessive compulsion – I’m checking in with myself with these daily (sometimes hourly ) logs of my feelings and thoughts.
So I took a few days off.
I’ve started to ask my parents to not ask me how I’m doing.
So much emphasis is being put on how I feel and I need to accept that feelings are feelings and they change and it’s okay.
When I see them and they ask “You having a bad day?” I won’t answer. I smile instead. If I feel bad or crappy in that moment I may tell them but it will change.
Lately, I have been working on cutting compulsions and it’s hard – particularly the mental ones.
I realized I was praying the same prayers over and over because I wasn’t getting it “right” the first time.
I had to cut that out.
My body feels like it’s withdrawing from compulsions and I will be honest, it’s so uncomfortable. Like I'm crawling in my skin.
I woke up this morning and right off the bat I get a thought, “Are you depressed? Do you feel suicidal?” And I want to so badly just yell back “COME ON ALREADY! I JUST WOKE UP!” But I have to ignore.
I have to stop reacting to the thoughts. The more I react to them the more they come.
I’m not suicidal and I would never harm myself because of my values so I need to trust that and move on.
I painted outside for a few hours today and even doing something like that I thought “What if I drank the paint?”
It’s something that so many people don’t understand but it’s the most annoying thing. I will get my mind healthy again. I am determined. I am working out everyday. I am eating healthy meals and trying to get enough sleep though it’s hard to sleep with the thoughts. So I know that God willing, I’m doing my part.
I see my therapist on the 31st. She uses Mindfulness which I like but I don’t think she has any OCD clients. But I’m happy to just talk with her. I would love to find a OCD specialist because I’m ready to move towards mental health. Living with this daily is hard work so I know I’m capable of working hard on this. I just wish there were more OCD professionals in my area who could help me set up a plan of action to recovery.
Thanks to thosefor commenting on my post. Loneliness plays such a huge part in this and when someone comments it makes me feel a little less alone in this battle. So thank you again.