First of all, It's been nice talking to some of you and being able to meet people with the same problems I have. It's been so encouraging to know that people out there are having the same "crazy" thoughts I have. So, Well, here it goes….

 

I'm scared. I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared of getting a disease, so much so that I am convinced I have one even though I've had a million test done to say i'm fine. I'm scared of being alone forever, and nobody loving me because of my OCD. I'm so scared that I'll fall in love with someone and they'll experience my OCD first hand, and wont be able to handle it.

My OCD is more like being a hypochondriac(sp?). I worry about my body, I feel like i'm constantly almost looking for something to worry about. I feel like i'm not being a good person if i don't worry about something; like i'm being careless. No matter how many times a doctor tells me that i'm fine, it doesn't convince me. I'll be okay for maybe an hour after my visit; but then i'll start being like " well what if…" or " what if i have it now because I just went to the bathroom and sat on the toliet seat"

It's sickening, and I feel like i'm trapped in my own head. I don't feel free. I see people around me who have no worries and are completely content with life, and I wonder what it's like to feel that way. I've never not had OCD, i've never known what it's like to live without it.

I'm a Christian Woman, and me having this disorder really makes it tough for me to trust in God. I would love to just hand everything over to him, and be content with the outcome; but I can't. I'm a scared little (22 year old) girl.

I'm also a hardcore neat freak. If my room is a mess ( meaning a piece of clothing on the floor) I feel like my day isn't complete, and I feel like it's wasted because I didn't pick up that one piece of clothing. If i'm sitting in the living room, and I see something out of place while i'm watching tv..I feel like i'm not worthy of watching tv because things arent in the right place, or there is one dish in the sink; and right after I put that one dish away and think I can finally relax…something else comes into my mind that isn't right. I seriously feel like a horrible person if things aren't clean.

 

so anyways…thats that. I figured I might as well rant a little bit of my first post so you all can kind of get a sneak peak at my crazy life. To be honest with you, I am happy sometimes, and my OCD doesn't always rule my life. It comes in seasons. I did go about a year without really having any ocd thoughts, and it was the best year of my life.

 

I can already tell this site is going to be a major help to me. I can't wait to meet more of you! =)

 

Have a Blessed day you all!

 

 

2 Comments
  1. gizmosellspigons 12 years ago

    Had those worries about getting nasty cancer then being chopped up and chemo to Obilvion, but I figure most humans have those fears. The differance is how we react to it and deal with it.  If I compared myself to others would not be able to live day to day and gotten away from doing that because the appearances are decieving.  Been hypocronhaic off and on for years, but I figure the aniexty will pass. 

    Aneixty will pass \"\"

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  2. Allyssa 12 years ago

    Thank you both so much! =)

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