I’m just kind of wondering if anyone can relate to this, so please excuse my rambling. I personally am the kind of person who’s for lack of a better word performative. I lie in bed until I hear someone else get up and then my day starts. It doesn’t matter if I wake up at 2 AM and no one else in the house moves until noon. I won’t move until noon. I’m kind of always on this weird balance of I seem to only feel like I’m allowed to exist when other people are around. Which means I’m only allowed to do what other people want to do. This usually manifest in that I only go outside When my family wants to go shopping, I never give suggestions of what I want to do or places I want to be, and the only TV shows I really watch are ones my family members watch. This also means that me trying to pick time to do something myself is a little bit like pulling teeth. sometimes it feels like the only time I have for myself is when my family is asleep. Be that before they get out of bed in the morning or after they’ve already gone to bed at night. and my mom is not the kind of person who sticksto a schedule. so it kind of feels like the day I get up to do some cleaning that’s the day that Mom gets up at 8 AM wanting to go out and about. The day I go plan to pick up something from the stores is the day that Mom decides she doesn’t want to leave the house. The day I want to get some freaking paperwork done is the day we get surprise babysitting of my little cousins. And you know that’s my own hangup so I try not to let it bother me. But that also means that when I say no, I don’t wanna go out or do something. It feels like it takes energy like it sucks the life out of me. I can say no to the shopping trip but the entire time I’ll be sitting in the exact same spot because I feel like I burned through all of my energy just saying no I don’t wanna go. I don’t do the things that I should do or want to do. that’s not even accurate because I stopped wanting to do anything. Whereas on a completely different loop and the completely opposite side of the coin, I feel like if I say no to my family, I don’t want to go to one specific store that happens to be the day that everyone decides to do absolutely everything. Go shopping go to the mall go to the movies go see family members. And it feels like I should never said no in the first place because I missed absolutely everything. So I’m not really allowed to say no because if I say no to one thing I’m automatically saying no to absolutely every other possibility that could happen for better or worse. Does anyone else have a feeling like that? Like it’s exhausting to say no so you just constantly live your life waiting for other people to make decision decisions on what you want and even when you carve out time for yourself you just don’t have the energy for it or the desire for it anymore. Does anyone else feel like this?