I feel so defeated right now. I cut my zoloft in half because it was inhibiting my sex drive and frustrating me and my new boyfriend, but the symptoms after 8 weeks got to be too much, so I went back up to a whole tablet. I've got a god psychiatrist, and I'm gonna be ok, but now it's gonna take another 8 weeks for my blood level to get back up, meanwhile, my symptoms are getting worse.

My intrusive images are getting bad again- i haven't had this much of a problem with it since I first was finding a good meds setup. Today, I saw a small spider in my shower, killed it, and washed it down the drain (I hate spiders) because there was no one else in the house to take care of it. While I was showering, I was grabbed by the intrusive image of a giant, meter-long hairy spider leg poking out of the drain, and it took everything I had not to scream.

I'm so unbelievably frustrated. They strike so hard and so terrifyingly, and I can't react, can't do anything but try to hold still and keep quiet. My boyfriend and some close friends know, but still, I can't react when I see things.

It's so frustrating and frightening. Think back to the last horror movie you watched. And when you went to bed that night, and had that uneasy feeling, what did you do to calm yourself down? Probably say, it's made up, that can't happen to me.

But it can happen to me. Anything can happen to me. When you're living at the crossroads of reality and fantasy there's no limits on what can happen.

I've been stalked… by corpses, monsters, disfigured children, murderers, characters, demons, you name it. Living, dead, animal, fantasy, made-up creature, you list it, I've turned around to spot it following me, to see its head slowly turn to lock eyes with mine, to see it stumble slowly toward me. And to know I can't move, can't speak, can't scream, can't do anything but try to calm myself down and not do anything to disrupt the actual reality taking place around me- my workplace, a store, my home, school, wherever I am.

The sights are bad, sensations are worse. I've been injected, had my bits of my brain removed through my nose, had my limbs cut open to the shredded sinew inside, had my chestplate punctured for marrow, had my kidneys cut out……. yes, real physical pain accompanies those intrusive images, as well as a sense of overwhelming fear, I guess that something that's not based in reality can affect me so much.

I just feel so defeated, so frustrated. I have no defense but what reality offers, and the images are unlimited. Literally. They can do anything to me anytime, unbound by physics, logistics, probability, fictionalness, and all other tenets of reality. I can't fight back, and worse, I can't even speak up. Can't shout, can't defend myself with my hands. I can only be victimized over and over and hold my breath as a I turn every corner, waiting to see if the next bend holds reality or some fantasy beast conjured from some hellish alternate world. I am bound by the ropes of reality, like Prometheus to the rock. They are free to peck at my entrails unstopped, like the ravens. I am so tired, and so sick, and so unbelievably……. I don't know. Drained. Done. Defeated. Please, someone hold me.