People with depression are infamous for sleeping all day, sitting and watching televison for hours on end, and doing the mininum amount of work required of them by society. We get a bad rep; people think we're lazy. But that's not it at all.
When I'm afraid that something's not going to work out, rather than moving forward and trying it anyway, I just stay where I'm at. If I build myself up to something, hoping and trying, that's a longer way to fall if something goes wrong than if I just stayed where I'm at. I am currently working as a circulation technician II at our local library for 20 hours a week. There is a Library Assistant position open at another library nearby that's offering 26 hours a week. If I couldget that job AND keep the one I have now, then I could make enough to finally support myself %100. However, I'm so terrified of it not working out (not getting the job, getting it and then being terrible at it, not getting along with other employees, etc.) that I'm not even sure I want to try. If I don't try, then I can't be disappointed. I know it's terrible logic, but it's what I do. When I really think about it, the things that I'm scared of are really unreasonable because in every paid and volunteer position I've ever had, I ALWAYS get along with everyone. I always do well at my job becuase I'm an incredibly fast learner and I enjoy working. As for being worried about not getting it, I am qualified (maybe evern over qualified) to do the job, so I shouldn't be as worried as I am. But in any situation where there is potential for failure, even if it's only a small amount of potential, I just don't even put myself in the position to be let down.
I know I'll hate myself if I don't try becuase I need so badly to get out of the toxic environment that my home has become, but I'm a big scaredy cat. Sometimes I'd just rather sit still and let the world pass me by so that I don't have to be a part of it. I don't want to be that way, but I am. Of course, I don't speak for everyone with depression becuase we're all like snowflakes.
I'll apply, but…I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait and see (and I HATE waiting).
There are studies on why some people are motivated by stress and others become anxious and why some people are more prone to depression. Surprise, it's not just laziness. I am often anxious and imobilized by stress myself, very difficult to get around it. In psychology there is also a term called "learned helplessness", where you come to expect the worst and stop trying to avoid negative stimuli. Also something hard to break. If you have it in you though, keep trying, that's a good thing. I wish you luck.