I am sitting here thinking. Its been a while since I have sat down to write a blog. Many changes has happens some good and some okay. Lets start off with a positive notes. I am no longer of my medication which feels great. I have been off for about a month and a half and the thought of suicide is slowing leaving my mind. The idea of death and romanticizing the idea of death is now leaving my mind. I am starting to feel like I can continue my path and my journey. I still fight this beast called depression but I promise it will not end up with me killing myself. I am allowing my heart to finally heal from the pain of those I have lost in death and in love. The painful part is having moments of wishing they were here and ideas of me feeling as if I am missing out of something bigger. My chest no longer hurts its because the heart that I thought would never mend is finally showing signs of life again. My heart is off life support but is still in critical condition but its getting stronger every day. My heart wants to love again and its trying to love again it wants to finally be in the hands of a person who can appreciate it and will respect it but that seems like a very hard task. At this moment my heart is lock away, in criticial condition trying its best to rest from the previous battle it was in. I never knew losing your first love could be such a difficult task to get over and I never thought it could be take me to such a low place. Dating seems to be a whole another set of problems ugh my life. For an old fashion girl with morals and standards this new world of man suck. I maybe a little sensitive in fact I am a lot sensitive but I know my heart is good, and I know I am wonderful lady young who will be treated with respect at all cost. I will not bend or change my morals to fit the needs of anyone. I act like a lady therefore I will be treated like one. The fight now is between not wanting to spend the rest of my life alone and wanting to start a family to loving my own personal time and being my own person. It will take special kind of person to love me and for me to let my guard down again. I find myself disappointed with person and their lack of consideration for other feelings, I find myself disappointed by person who say meaningless things. Again I could be sensitive but when someone say something to me I tend to take the person for their word. Again I thinking a real rose can't survive in fake water without the proper nourishment that flower will writher and die. That is how I feel about emptied words with no action. Another positive note my depression is not lasting as long as it use to and my panic attacks are few and far between. This give me hope, this makes me smile, and this fight will continue. I am so glad I joined this site because it gave me the courage to have a voice and not hide. It was a useful weapon and it continues to be a useful weapon my in fight. On a negative notes I am still struggling with many things my faith seems to be the thing that is suffering the most. I can't pray like I use to, I don't study like I use to. I feel like I am an embrassment to my GOD. Who I know loves me and understand and is very forgiving, walking this walk isn't easy and when I do fail I feel ashamed about it. If I could change anything about what going on right now is my walk with Christ. I want to be stronger but I am not and I feel so bad about it. The fight continues, and the war wages on. But thank you God that I will not give up.


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