I put my mood is anxious, but it's even more than that, it's wanting to scream. It's like those cartoons with the hair all straight out standing up on end. Today I don't think I would have been depressed except for what has been happening a SHITTY fucken day, how could I ever expect otherwise. Just when I thought i was starting to feel chemically better, shit around me sucks.
WellI was already depessed, then I just found out thatthey are going away tomorrow night. I can't stand it. It is me and Mom's TV night too! And they are leaving me here alone. I love when Dad is away , but I don't want Mom to leave me. I am too depressed and I don't trust myself. I can't be alone, last time I wanted to kill myself and would have except I don't have the items to do it. I guess if I were strong and smart I could figure out a way. But I'm a loser at everything I do including attempts at suicide. I can't be alone at all anymore. If I could be alone I'd have my own fucken place!!!! They are so stupid, they know I am sick and that is why I am in my 30's and live with my parents… yet they leave me alone. They give me plenty of time to rid themselves of me forever, maybe that is what they want.
So that fugly loser David texted me drunk last night, right as I am trying to sober up and not drink every other fucken day. Lotsa luck. I'm never going to stop drinking because it's allll around me. I don't even have any fucken friends, yet I still have to be around drinking in one way or another. It's like a person on a diet in a candy store, forget it, I can't quit, I'm doing it. I feel lousy no matter what I do anyway. I had one drinkon Fridayand it still made me feel shitty, so I might as well have 10. I just want the thoughts to stop and unfortunately the anxiety drinking causes the next day makes them worse. I always knew I was a freak. Things that make other people better make me WORSE!
I wish they weren't leaving me. I can't be alone. I hate it! I know they are going to Costa Rica in April and I will be alone for at least a week, but at least it's a week and I can plan for it, not a night out of the blue. I am so lonely I have no friends at least no REAL friends. And I don't want random guys to fuck, is that so fucking awful? I never found that to be the answer, so why keep doing it? It only made me more lonely and feel worse. I don't even have the energy to make myself up for guys anyway. None of them are worth it with the possible exception of Ciaran who I rarely see anyway.
Every day that goes by I realize how Kyle just threw me away. I don't care how young he is, I seriously don't care. What the HELL was he doing/thinking calling me and texting me for TWO YEARS AFTER he dumped me? What the hell? Drunk and sober. He can lie to everyone else, but he can't lie to himself and he can't deny it to me because I know the truth. And not only that, by ignoring me he's only furthering the fact of what a complete coward he is. Maybe his thinking has been completely off track from where mine is and I was the one who was wrong all along. Who knows? He's lucky though, he will never have the kind of life that he left me with. He will never know what it's like to suffer like this because he's just one of the lucky ones. Even his worst day is better than my best day. I feel like I've been fooled again and this time there's no way to recover from it. This time there just isn't any time left.