Got some weird thoughts. Im still getting fat. Demons run me. What else can i do? Im quite pathetic at the moment. Thinking i have to say nothing. Feeble attempts to reach out off the basis I’m invisible. I realise how big i am. Internally.
What i am capable of in the right conditions. Writing, helping people write and feel involved. But I am the one that needs to be fully involved in something. I wish it was more than a computer. I wish i didn’t have to be connected to a screen. I wish i could interact with another person and perform. Somehow.
I went for a walk with my auntie. I enjoyed every minute. The time passed very quickly.
I cut up meat after I returned home. I wonder why being around my parents when i am focusing is painful? Why do i feel humiliation around my dad? Why do i feel stress around my mum still sometimes. Now my subconscious is sending me words that trigger stress. I know that much. I think it is because it seems i would rather be alone. I’d rather not speak.
Im not doing my best.
Im still scared. I don’t know the answers or how to be more routine.
My goals are reading and exercise.