Today was very rough. I had an argument because my thoughts were hard work. Heavy. I still don’t have a way to control stress. I keep forgetting who i am.
I know i have to work on my exercise and maintain focus and drive myself to be upbeat. I need to think everyday and have organisation. I can’t just rest – because rest isn’t working. No matter how tired and depressed i feel I have to cut the mood.
My mood is childish and cruel. I am running my family down. I am losing myself in what ifs. I need to go back tot he root. I am a disorientated soul. I need to live simply. Health is the only word i need right now and hygiene. Health and hygiene are maintenance. If i had a job working with others i would be ok? I don’t know right now. Its so hard to decide. Am i broken, am i lost? No. Im just lazy and unhealthy. My actions are not supporting me. My body is not supporting me. I don’t know where to turn but inwards.
Inwards and i am racked with guilty reflections. My parents say not to worry. So i won’t worry. I will breathe. My phone reminds me of failings. My family don’t know me. My situation is out of my hands. This is a good thing is suppose. Im not responsible for anything besides daily functioning.
Exercise doesnt need to be crazy. Just enough. Supported by videos – i could try. It would make me feel less lonely and perhaps be fun. I could start me off to being independent again. It should be in my routine. I guess it acts as the gym and its the best for me right now. I did think i was a neo-hippy so that settles it. I will plug my laptop into the big screen outside and work out with youtube.