I wonder if any of you have had to deal with people that are mean to you just because they think it is okay to be that way. I had a very hard lesson taught to me over a 4 year period, and it has turned me into someone that I am not sure I even know how to deal with. I have become quite bitter just at what someone else says … and I do not even have to know them.
I guess being kind hearted is really turning me into a cold hearted wench. I have a lot of pain and resentment toward certain things. I tend to try not to pick of people for any reason, and when some one picks on me … I get pissed, but I never try to blow up at anyone … I just take all of that anger, resentment, and pain and draw it into myself. I only knew one way to deal with this issue growing up … A fist to the nose. I am an adult now … and I cannot go around punching people in the nose, so I have done the worst thing possible with that anger … Drew it into myself.
I sometimes slip off into a depressive state of mind … I think this is a way that I cope with it all. I am a fat white woman, that has very few friends, and I do not mesh well with certain types of people. I try to just be myself, but I never seem to fit in no matter what I do. I try to laugh off their jokes and comments, but inside … I can’t do it. In the end I end up sitting on my bed in a puddle of tears wondering what I did to deserve the things they say.
I have put all of my spare time into this project for the past year, and I am beginning to feel like I have wasted my time and energry to only be laughed at further. I think I might be at the edge of another depressive state, and I can never seem to stop them before they hit … I just wonder sometimes if my mother dropped me on my head at birth because I cannot figure out what the heck is wrong with me half of the time.
I know I should not care about what others say, but I cannot help it. It goes to my heart and breaks it completely. I think this is the major reason I will not let anyone get close to me. I have been rejected my whole life by most everyone, and I fear that if I cannot control this the one person that has never rejected me … just might.