I am not sure why this happens, all I know is that it  happens. It happened to me. I seem to attract the same type of people. No matter woman or man. Yes, I am bi sexual. I am at a cross road though. I am attracted to woman however I was with a man for the sake of Christianity. I hope that makes sense. All I know is that I am tired of being used and abused.

My last and still struggling bout with a relationship has me questioning my sanity. I even thought about both homicide and suicide. The only side I am on is my own. ( intended to be a joke and reality at the same time.) This man was the first man that I have messed with in over Thirteen years. This man has cheated on me both verbally and physically assaulted me. All because I would not submit to his will. He never did anything wrong in his eyes. I was always wrong and never did anything right. So the punishment was to hurt me by all means. During a fight he bit my right index finger. Tore the tendon sheath and chipped the bone. I also contracted MRSA in that finger. I had to be hospitalized for two weeks, had immediate surgery to the finger and quarantined like an animal because of the MRSA. TO only have to come home and do four a day IV’s through a PICC line to kill the infection. All of this for six week. At the end of this he told me that it was all my fault. I should of not made him mad. This did not stop the fights though. Keep in mind we were not even together a year when this happened. I should of left then. No, before that as this was not the first fight. I am going to continue this blog later. I am getting emotional .


  1. civilsouvenir 6 years ago

    Hi hun. I wanted to comment, I know you don’t want to hear the truth that needs to be said and do it. But you need to leave this man in the dust. First of all I am a Christian but not your stereotypical one. And I was bi and now am married to a lovely husband who treats me so well. I like women but i uphold my Christian beliefs so I get what you mean. I was in a long term very horrible violent and verbally relationship. So I understand where you are coming from. I don’t open up to a lot of people about it unless I hear or see something like this because those are the only people that are worth talking to about.

    You need to get out and away from the man. You need to get a restraining order and always call the police if you feel threatened or if he’s hurting you. Your life is way more important than anything else at this point. Go to a strictly women’s shelter or seek out a Christian women’s abuse support system, you’re more than welcome to message me and talk. I’ll be adding you to my prayers and thinking of you. Keep up the blogging. Talking about all of it will help you cope and face things head on. If you don’t then it becomes scary in your head. Peace and love hun.

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      hardbme1970 5 years ago

      Thank you for your reply. I would like to say sorry for the late response. I am just seeing your comment. Honestly I really didn’t think anyone was going to reply to my post. I would like to thank you for your advice. It’s the best advise.
      I just recently decided to call it quits. It’s only been a couple of weeks but it seems like eternity. I love this man. Because of my beliefs I just could not see what he was doing to me mentally and physically. I felt as though God would punish me in some type of way for giving up on him. I have always been a difficult woman. I have always had good friend that had my back no matter what. Our relationship was literally death do us part. So with this in mind, I felt as though he would change. After all I did. Everything takes time. Nothing happens overnight. But i finally came to the realization that this man was just using me for whatever he could get. In the process was trying to destroy me in the process. You know what the deal breaker was…….The way he tried to control me over my own money that he was holding for me. I told him to keep it. Even though I knew that I would not be able to pay my bills this month. Even though it hurts……I am rid of him. I don’t have a job. I am a full time student. I have put myself in debt waiting on my pending SSDI claim. I have been waiting for over four years. So that I don’t become homeless, I came up with the idea of going back to school to earn a degree while I wait and use the money for the bills. That’s how I have been living. He has called me insane for going back to school. Told me that my attitude was getting worse since I am attending school. He does anything to get me off track. At first my grades suffer greatly until I realize that I needed to spend some time by myself. Being as though we did not live together that was great until he started accusing me of wanting someone else. All of this because I needed me time time. Each time I got stronger and stronger. He got cleaver too. He started trying to punish me with everything from silence to sex. Just so he could stay in my head. He would openly flirt with woman in from of me and say I was imaging it. Flat out told me that I was crazy. Well today I am rid of him. I am hoping to get over the lonely feelings. THis is by far the worst. I want to call him. I know that’s what he is waiting on too. Like I said it’s only been couple of weeks. And normally that’s what I do. Not this time. I am looking at what I have accomplished while going through this fire. Through all of the abuse I am a Certified Administrative Medical Assistant with an Associates Degree of Science in Business Administration. Nine moths away from my BSBH in Healthcare Management. If I continue to stay focused I should be starting next year off working on my Masters. So I may be a little broken right now…..But I do clean up nice. Thank you for letting vent. I need that. I am a extreme introvert that needed to get these feelings out.

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