Today is not starting off so great…
I guess I'm just having anxiety about what's to come. I have a small group of friends (which I'm totally cool with. I've never been a huge fan of HAVING to be friends with everyone I come into contact with). I'm seriously afraid that once therapy starts in a few weeks, when we start figuring out what triggers this cycle I go through, they may be a part of it.
This isn't just some random paranoia, either. I grew up a heavy kid (240 lbs. when I was 18). I've dropped considerable amounts of weight (now 165 lbs. at 25), both in a healthy way (good workout regiment, getting rid of junk/fast food) and unhealthy (experimenting/abusing diet pills in college).
Most of the friends I have now don't really know that I have a fear that if I deviate from my diet/workout routine, I will revert back to 18 year old me, which is something I've tried very hard to run away from on both a aesthetic and mental level.
I catch all sort of crap for being a protein drink, no carbs after a certain hour guy and yeah some of it I acknowledge is silly, but I still lose it when I can't do any of that (like on a trip to Las Vegas a few months ago, where I sort of went with the crowd on gorging at buffets and drinking all day). I tried to keep a good smile, but inside I was freaking out!
I think once I'm comfortable enough to talk about it (and there are a few people that I do feel that way), I'm thinking one of two things will happen: 1) They're supportive, back off on pressuring me about the things I do or 2) They have no idea what to think, it turns into a point of gossip and then the stigma (fair or not) leaves me even more isolated than I am, since they won't know how the hell to deal with it.
Anyone else gone through this? Comments from the last post were very helpful, btw!
I am veryyyyy picky about my weight. I have hypothyroidism so I can gain weight pretty easily. When my depression was at its worst I lost about 25 pounds. That was the only good thing that came from it. I wasn't heavy to begin with but I was getting a little chubby so the weight loss was needed. I got down to about 104 pounds (I'm 5'5 so that's pretty thin). I have gained a few pounds back since then but I have constantly been working out and eating healthy to maintain the weight that I'm at. I'm not really hardcore about it like you but I can understand where you are coming from. People make comments all the time about my eating habits. They don't understand I just want to maintain this weight, I'm at a healthy weight for my height and my age.
I can completely understand your fear of going back to your heavier self. It's a legitimate concern. If you share your story with your friends I'm sure they would understand as well. And if they already know then they should be supportive of you now.
I had a little bit of a problem that kind of relates to this in a round about way. I had the worst social anxiety. I kept it pretty well hidden from my friends. When I started dating my ex boyfriend two years ago he noticed my anxiety. It was inevitable, I couldn't hide it forever. The problem was he didn't understand it. He couldn't realize that I felt so uncomfortable everytime I had to go out with him and his friends and meet new people. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to go out sometimes. He didn't understand why it would take me forever to pick out clothes (yes this is typical of girls but my case was extreme, I couldnt make a decision because I was worried what people would think of me). He didn't understand why I couldn't go out and order drinks for myself (I had just turned 21 so I even got anxiety about that). Instead of trying to understand and work with me on it, we just argued. Ultimately I think that is what led to our break up. Anyway, the reason I am mentioning this is I understand what it is like to be a certain way and not to have people understand and I know what it's like to try to hide it. My motto for the longest time was "fake it till you make it". Yea, everything looked fine for everyone else but it left me miserable. That's when I decided to talk to people about it, I'll admit a lot of people were surprised but at least then they could get an idea of why I did some of the things I did.
I know this was quite a lengthy post, I didn't intend on writing so much but you know how it goes, one thing leads to another and I guess that was something I needed to get off my chest too. Sorry for the novel, haha 🙂
Haha not a problem with the novel. We should all be able to let stuff out…even in a comment section! Thank you for sharing. It's actually sort of comforting knowing other people go through it, you know?