Today is not starting off so great…
I guess I'm just having anxiety about what's to come. I have a small group of friends (which I'm totally cool with. I've never been a huge fan of HAVING to be friends with everyone I come into contact with). I'm seriously afraid that once therapy starts in a few weeks, when we start figuring out what triggers this cycle I go through, they may be a part of it.
This isn't just some random paranoia, either. I grew up a heavy kid (240 lbs. when I was 18). I've dropped considerable amounts of weight (now 165 lbs. at 25), both in a healthy way (good workout regiment, getting rid of junk/fast food) and unhealthy (experimenting/abusing diet pills in college).
Most of the friends I have now don't really know that I have a fear that if I deviate from my diet/workout routine, I will revert back to 18 year old me, which is something I've tried very hard to run away from on both a aesthetic and mental level.
I catch all sort of crap for being a protein drink, no carbs after a certain hour guy and yeah some of it I acknowledge is silly, but I still lose it when I can't do any of that (like on a trip to Las Vegas a few months ago, where I sort of went with the crowd on gorging at buffets and drinking all day). I tried to keep a good smile, but inside I was freaking out!
I think once I'm comfortable enough to talk about it (and there are a few people that I do feel that way), I'm thinking one of two things will happen: 1) They're supportive, back off on pressuring me about the things I do or 2) They have no idea what to think, it turns into a point of gossip and then the stigma (fair or not) leaves me even more isolated than I am, since they won't know how the hell to deal with it.
Anyone else gone through this? Comments from the last post were very helpful, btw!