So today was supposed to be a big day for me…

My so-called guy friend his birthday is next week. I got concert tickets. 200 each. And hotel.

I cant afford it… but I got it.  Because he was important to be and he was the last thing that I had positive in my life. If you know what ghosting is he goes to me September 1st.

No calls no text messages he won’t read my messages it’s like is dead.

37 years of knowing somebody and seeing them for about 4 and he completely disappeared

I thought he was a different guy.

People will say it’s just a guy another one will come behind I don’t have anymore trust

Im to old  Every minute of the day is torture

I don’t wanna go on but I do I continue a life that is nots Happy There is no quality of life there is only work and there’s more bills than the hours of my week that I could actually work.

I try talking to a therapist  heit really help me much… He told me I should go on disability.. Then I can’t really pay my bills.

He said another appointment and I Wentz and he never came down or outside for it.

I text to when I left. He never  returned my text.

I had a pay somebody to hear me falling apart trying to hang on… Even he didn’t come out.

That’s gotta be something wrong with me simply very wrong because nobody loves me and I can’t even pay a flocking therapist to see me…..  Sure I fantasized about death who doesn’t but you can’t talk about that…. Is completely normal. I Wished I was dead all my life honestly I don’t wanna be dead. I don’t know why I wish I want to be dead sometimes I think I just want the pain to stop…. And it  Doesn’t it doesn’t matter how far I run away I’m still here I can’t run away from myself  I am in hell.   I’m not going to do anything stupid though so don’t have fear