Current Diagnosis:

• Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

• Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

• Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

• Reactive attachment Disorder (RAD)

• Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD)

• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) (combined type)

• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

• Undefined Adjustment Disorder

What traits or symptoms do I show from each of these and when and how was I diagnosed?

MDD: 

• Suicidal ideation 
• Loss of interest 
• Sometimes stays in bed all day
• Self injurious behaviors
• Struggles to take care of self

How I understand myself and where this comes from: 

It’s not always and it isn’t like I’m depressed. It’s not that I feel sad or anything. When I’ve had a lot of things to do or had to talk to a lot of people I lose energy the next couple of days and tend to not take care of myself. I also struggle with sensory issues so showers and brushing teeth can be difficult for me. The suicidal and self harm behaviors come from frustration of not being understood or feeling lonely or struggling to get my needs met. 

ODD: 

• Temper tantrums 
• Argues with adults 
• Irritability

 How I understand myself and where this comes from: 

I was diagnosed with this while I was back home in a bad home environment where I wasn’t understood well. I am actually very compliant if my immediate needs both physical and emotional, are met. Arguing is normal teenage behavior and I’ve always struggled to understand why people think I’m arguing when they simply ask me a question or to explain or something and I give them an answer. For me it feels more like a conversation and others seem to just think I’m arguing. The only time I do argue is if something feels unjust or unfair. I’m very big on things being fair and just. Temper Tantrums I had when I was young but my parents one time told a therapist that it was almost like they couldn’t reach me during these “Tantrums”. 

GAD: 

• Anxious about crowds 
• Anxious in high sensory environments
• Anxious having to talk to people
• Fear of what might happen in any situation

 How I understand myself and where this comes from: 

I used to be outgoing. But over the years from bullying from peers and even my own parents I began to shut down more and be anxious and scared to talk to people. I have always struggled with high sensory things though in certain times and places if it was out of my control. And I believe the general fear of what might happen comes from trauma and of not knowing what was going to happen and the unpredictability of my childhood and being SA’d. 

BPD: 

• Self injurious behavior 
• Impulsivity 
• Intense and unstable relationships 
• Black and white thinking (splitting) 
• Unstable and frequent mood swings 

 How I understand myself and where this comes from: 

I explained the Self injurious behavior in the first section. Impulsivity comes from impulsive buying and decision making. I am also diagnosed with ADHD though. As far as relationships go this is due to fear of abandonment. It comes from childhood trauma of being taken from my mom at a young age. Black and White thinking is something I struggle with. I often see people as only bad or only good but I’ve worked on that and I’m able to see both sides in people. I do have unstable mood swings but they have definitely settled down. But I wouldn’t say they are beyond normal. I get mad and then I calm down and am hyper and jumping around like 5 minutes later … .Maybe that’s not normal, I don’t know.  

RAD:

• Easily attached 
• Struggle with connection with caregivers 
• Struggles to connect with peers 
• Doesn’t like touch besides specific people

 How I understand myself and where this comes from: 

I can say this does somewhat fit me. I never felt a connection to my parents and I don’t know if that was just on me or if it was something they did or weren’t doing. I get easily attached to objects and usually 1 person (whoever happens to be my bf/gf). I get attached very quickly in dating type relationships. I struggle to make friends and connect with people my age. I hate being touched unless im super super close to you…even if im attached to you still sometimes I won’t let you touch me. I do often struggle to communicate this boundary though for fear of upsetting people but there is only really 1 person I let touch me and that’s my fiance and even then some days it’s just too much. I crave touch from my fiance most days as sort of deep pressure seeking and because I feel safe with him. But that kinda goes into a later topic I will talk about later. 

DMDD: 

Kinda goes in with the bpd section. Already kinda explained it there. I have big emotional outbursts where I hurt myself and can’t control my emotions or anything and often no one can even reach me or get me to calm down. Kinda just have to wait it out. 

ADHD: 

• Lack of focus 
• Poor time management 
• Hyperfixations 
• Talks fast 
• Hyperactivity 
• Impulsivity 
• Sleep trouble (most hyper at night)
• Forgetfulness 
• Interrupts people 
• Lack of motivation 
• Relationship problems
• Restlessness and Anxiety 
• Executive dysfunction 
• Poor volume control 
• Trouble sitting still 

This one I advocated for myself to get tested for. I kinda suspected it since middle school. I struggled with focus….I was a “Gifted kid” but I had systems in place and often finished things last minute. I am pretty organized though when it comes to physical space and like my room and stuff but as far as everything else like time management and assignments and stuff I am not the best with it. I often forget to eat, shower, brush teeth and many other things. Those things also seem to take a lot of brain power and energy for me. Whereas I can sit and learn a topic I’m interested in for hours and do complex research and everything super easily. I struggle to sit still and can’t focus very much at all unless I am in one of those hyperfixation moments. Even the smallest sound can distract me but also complete silence and my brain distracts itself so I use music that is in my control in order to focus. I am also told I am clumsy and loud and that I often talk too fast. There’s a lot more but it’s a lot to type. 

PTSD: 

• Flashbacks 
• Nightmares 
• Triggers 
• Trauma 
• Anxiety 
• Avoiding certain things around the trauma

  I have trauma from sexual assault and childhood abuse/neglect. 

Undefined Adjustment Disorder: 

• Struggle to deal with change of plans 
• Struggle to deal with anything I am unfamiliar with ‘
• New things cause anxiety 
• Emotional 
• Distancing self from people 
• Suicidal ideation 

Kinda explains itself honestly 

Now for the part where I actually get to the point of all this. 

If you look through everything a lot of the stuff overlaps or is the exact same thing honestly. I have been in many mental health facilities and they tend to just throw these things onto paper by little things they notice. For example the bpd was diagnosed when I was at Clarion psychiatric hospital. While I was there I was given a print off of what it was after simply meeting for a medication change. I was 13/14 at the time and about 3 or 4 other girls were given the same paper. It was highly overdiagnosed at that hospital and no testing or questions or nothing were asked. There are other things too but now I’m just rambling. 

What diagnosis’s I agree with and also see in myself: 

• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) (combined type)

• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

What I don’t agree with and why:

• Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

• Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

• Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

• Reactive attachment Disorder (RAD)

• Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD)

• Undefined Adjustment Disorder

A lot of these were diagnosed based on the same exact traits…Some of these traits are already explained by PTSD and ADHD. There is one thing though that has been recommended by the same person who did the adhd testing….It was recommended that i get an autism evaluation. This isn’t the first time it was recommended either. Most of my friends in highschool/ all but 1, were somewhere on the autism spectrum. They actually found me and added me to their group of friends. It was the first time I felt seen and understood and not like a freak. One of my teachers was also Autistic and I was talking to them about something. And they mentioned how “ that’s common for people like you and me who are on the spectrum”. I told them I wasn’t on the spectrum and they asked me if I was sure…My current best friend also corrects me and says im autistic when I am not. I looked into it starting at the age 18 and I really relate to a lot of it. Looking into it made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere and that I’m not alone in my struggles. I also took the RAAD-R test on Embrace Autism and scored very high. And I feel as though a lot of the things I’ve been diagnosed with when u look at why I was diagnosed …Those symptoms and traits lineup with Autism. Also ADHD and autism often co-exist. 

List of symptoms from all the diagnosis’s that I don’t agree with: 

• Loss of interest 
• Sometimes stays in bed all day
• Self injurious behaviors
• Struggles to take care of self
• Temper tantrums 
• Argues with adults 
• Irritability
• Anxious about crowds 
• Anxious in high sensory environments
• Anxious having to talk to people
• Fear of what might happen in any situation
• Impulsivity 
• Intense and unstable relationships 
• Black and white thinking (splitting) 
• Unstable and frequent mood swings 
• Easily attached 
• Struggle with connection with caregivers 
• Struggles to connect with peers 
• Doesn’t like touch besides specific people
• Struggle to deal with change of plans 
• Struggle to deal with anything I am unfamiliar with ‘
• New things cause anxiety 
• Emotional 
• Distancing self from people 
• Suicidal ideation 

Now here are the ones that also correlate with Autism: 

• Depression 
• Social anxiety 
• Self injurious behaviors
• Struggles to take care of self
• Temper tantrums (autistic meltdown- aka seems like they can’t be reached or calmed)
• Argues with adults (as i stated before its about a sense of justice, autistic people have a strong sense of justice)
• Irritability
• Anxious about crowds 
• Anxious in high sensory environments (Sensory Issues)
• Anxious having to talk to people
• Intense and unstable relationships (due to social and communication differences)
• Black and white thinking 
• Unstable and frequent mood swings (autistic people struggle with emotional regulation)
• Struggle with connection with caregivers 
• Struggles to connect with peers 
• Doesn’t like touch besides specific people
• Struggle to deal with change of plans 
• Struggle to deal with anything I am unfamiliar with
• New things cause anxiety 
• Distancing self from people 
• Suicidal ideation 

Other traits of Autism I have: 

• Executive function 
• Obsessive interests (since like 3yrs old i’ve had an obsession with insects.)
• Masking (copying others to fit in)
• Scripting (coming up with conversions and what i’m going to say before a conversation aka following a script)  
• Eye contact difficulties (bad eye contact- I practice this a lot but its still very very difficult and I often can’t focus on what the person is saying due to it) 
• Stimming (I have many stims I do and they get more intense when I’m upset or comfortable with my surroundings- I usually try very hard to mask this bcs i’ve been bullied for it before) 
• Trouble understanding sarcasm unless its overly obvious, same with jokes
• Trouble with social cues 
• Trouble understanding body language 
• Communication differences 
• Often over honest 
• Detail oriented 
• Picky eating 
• Sensory issues (lights, sounds, smells, ect.)
• Was a little late talking 
• Had trouble going to the bathroom at night until 14
• Trouble understanding directions and what people expect of me
• Takes things very literally 
• Prefer to play alone but can play next to someone just separately