At 2 am this morning my moronic sister popped out a little girl. She said she didn\'t know she was preggers, didn\'t miss a period, nothing. Hell, she wasn\'t even showing, then again she had never showed. Even with the twins she didn\'t show…So, yep. I now have another neice. Her name is Elizabeth Nicole.

I\'m not mad or upset at the baby. Its not her fault. I\'m upset at my sister. She can\'t barely take care of herself, let alone a child. The only reason she is doing okay now is because of her fiance…I guess I\'m so irritated at it because she doesn\'t have custody of her other kids. Her ex-husband has her oldest 2 kids, my parents have the twins.

Anyway, my step-dad went on a rant thismorning about how Dallas can have kids and I can\'t. I really made me feel like a p.o.s. It always does. I can\'t help that I can\'t have childern. And it hurts me so freaking much that I can\'t. Even seeing my step son hurts. Its not that I don\'t love the boy like he was my own. Seeing him is just a reminder that I will never be able to give my husband a child, which he wants, we both want.

I HATE IT!!!!!!! Being a woman and having that "right" taken from you is hard. I feel like I have never been given the choice. Its like someone just handed me a don\'t pass go, don\'t collect $200, go directly to jail card. Feels almost like I\'ve failed.

You would think that after knowing for 7 years that I can\'t, that it wouldn\'t bother me as much. But it just seems to get harder, especially the older I get…And my friends wonder why I keep saying that I\'m one cat short of being the crazy cat lady…

I need something to do to get my mind off of this. Maybe I\'ll edit some photos or something. Really I would like to take my baseball bat to the fence post but, its too windy outside. It would just piss me off.

Sydämeni sattuu, se on tyhjä. Sieluni on pirstaleina. Missä on valoa pimeydessä?