Looking back, I feel my first encounter with ocd/anxiety was at the age of around 10yrs old. I lived in the home with my grandmother and grandfather and 3yr old little brother. Grandfather died by suicide and after all the trauma of that slowed down, my grandmother put me in his room. I remember laying in bed at night being afraid his spirit would try to make me go with him. Another irrational fear would be sitting in school thinking, everytime I heard an airplane, that we were going to be blown up right that moment. I knew it was irrational even back then but I didn’t know why I was so afraid. 

Fast forward to 17yrs old. I was married to this guy and we lived in a trailer. He was kind of a jerk but never hit me. He was just gone all the time and left me at home with no car or money and I was getting very lonely and depressed. I started having thoughts of hurting myself or him and I was so afraid because, after all, who thinks those things? I didn’t hear voices or see things, it was merely my own thoughts telling me I should. The biggest fear came after that, I never heard of mental health issues so, as I was raised pentecostal and all my leading women counseling me, I started thinking I was possessed. It was to the point to where I left him because when I was away from him, my thoughts didn’t seem so bad.

Some yrs passed after leaving him and I lived a pretty fast paced life but no thoughts scary thoughts like previously.

Pushing on to 24yrs old. I had my 3rd child by 3rd different baby’s father and was left a single mom with all three. Upon going into labor with my 3rd, my blood pressure got really high and the Dr’s were concerned. I felt a fear come over me that I was going to die right then and noone would help with my babies. I screamed and cried begging them to save me. The Dr’s did a drug test to make sure I wasn’t high. I finally calmed down and got to return home. I went to the hospital or Dr’s office almost every night after that begging them to not let me die. They knew something was wrong and suggested I go see someone.

At 28, I met with mental health for the first time as I was even boarding up our windows so bad air couldn’t come in the house and contaminated us. I was diagnosed with ocd, anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia.

That’s when and how my journey began.

More to come.