When I stop thinking about how anxious I get about me being anxious in situations where I have no control, it makes life easier. When I stop putting so much pressure on myself in that moment, it makes things much easier. When I enjoy what I do have, the talents I do possess, and what I can control, then it is much easier not to take life so seriously.
I feel like somebody is constantly watching over me, even my thoughts or what I write. I should be able to write whatever I want because they are my words and nobody will see them. I think 'what would somebody think if I said this or that' and I hate thinking that. Those people don't exist. Even if they did, they wouldn't exist becaue I don't really care what people think. I do but I don't. It's a catch 22. My anxiety does and then I think I care, but then I realize that no one is better than me. Life is hard for everyone.
I think anxiety is created and fed by our insecurites. It thrives on mine. It always has. The only way I ever learned to get through any situation was to think I deserved to live in hell. That there was something about me that what so different it made others want to always pick me apart. So I saved them the trouble and just started doing it to myself. I could be in public and feel like I wasn't 'right' to be there. I didn't belong there. I wasn't like other people. I should just stay at home in my room where no one has to look at me. Thats a hard thing for a 10 or 11 year old child to accept about him or herself.
I can control what I write and how much freedom I give myself. Thus giving me the ability to make myself good. So when I get it 'right' through either my pictures, or writing, or walking, or whatever, I feel this high and I feel so good about who I am.