Well I just had my second CBT session. For some reason not quite so good as the first. I just felt on edge the whole time and like I was doing something wrong (I can\'t even be anxious properly). It didn\'t help that I had a stressful journey there and also – which is the big disaster – I had typed up a list of all my fears ( at least all the other fears that I hadn\'t discussed in the first session). It was a long list. And also very personal and if found by someone else I would feel quite embarassed by my fears. Anyhow so I go to my bag, find the envelope with the piece of paper with the list neatly typed on and guess what? It\'s not there.
I think I am actually losing my mind. I know that I put it there. I printed it off the computer and put it straight into an envelope and into my bag. I didn\'t even save it on the computer as I didn\'t want anyone to find it.
Now I am actually in a blind panic wondering where it can be. I went to the local store just before I set out for my appointment. Part of my therapy is to try and visit it every day and get over my fear of the check-out queue. Now I\'m worried that I can NEVER go in the store again in case someone found my list of fears!!! I\'m imagining the worst of course – someone will have seen me drop it and stuck it up in the window for everyone to see with my name in large, black letters at the bottom. Of course I didn\'t actually put my name on it so in reality if someone finds it they will either a) not read it and throw it in the bin or b) read it and then throw it in the bin.
Either way it\'ll be in the bin by now for sure. Or will it?
So like me! Last week I suddenly had this terrible fear that what I had typed on a blog on this site had been picked up by the digital projector network and was being projected onto someone else\'s screen. That has actually happened before, but when my projector was on and when I had not disconnected from the network. Fortunately then I just had a power point open. The terror that suddenly gripped me the other day that suddenly the whole world know about my panic disorder came out of nowhere and would not leave me. Now that would actually have been bad – not the end of the world but not great – your note is NOTHING. If anyone even bothers to pick up the piece of paper it will most probably be to throw it away. In the absolute worst case someone will glance at it, be unable to make any sense of it, not care, and chuck it away.