It seems like a lot of things lately have just made me feel dead inside, or at best, hurt.
Things are still awkward with my ex unable to move out until the first.
I still have to pay full rent, which I can't afford (even at low income rate and a 34 hour/week job).
Even if I get the new job with the benifits, actually paying for the benifits will cost me $1,900 out of pocket minimum a year. Which is more money I can't afford.
Work is still horrid. Coworkers schedualed to stay with me until 7pm leave at 5:15, customer ranting and screaming on the phone about something that can't be fixed. The system we used to keep track of our customers is so riddled with glitches that it's a constant joke to use it. I get yelled at for not finishing my work so I stay late to finish it and then I get yelled at for staying late.
I look at the way I take care of myself and short of showering every other day, I just don't care any more.
I don't do dishes, I don't eat unless I'ts litterally put in front of me (and then only nibbles).
I can't get to sleep at night unless I completely exhaust my head (which takes untill sometime around 3-4am).
I can't even get myself up enough to care (in both sences of the word) for myself. I jsut sit here and think "Why bother?"
I'm surprised i even go to work any more. I feel like I go only to pass the time! And every time I there I feel ill.
I spend the entire night after work trying to unwind enough to get some sleep and it just seems to never happen. I'm still wound up the next morning! I can't sleep because things keep roling around in my head and just wo't shut up. I have no calm what-so-ever and even physical exhaustion doesn't overpower my mind to get it to sleep.
I feel so empty and tired and draied that life just feels like a macabre puppet theater and I'm the dancing marionette puppet made of only skin that's inflated enough to resemble human form.