I went out to get my daily dose of nicotine earlier and had a strange sensation, I get panic attacks, usually while tryin to sleep but this was different and lasted longer. Ive never felt lower than I have been lately due to a huge downturn in life over the past few months. The only word I can put to the feeling was an overwhelming sense of detatchment, of not being on the same wavelength as everyone else around me but with no sense of panic or anxiety, I was looking at people I know by face, people serving behind the counter, people you see everyday but dont know and theyre faces looked different somehow and I just couldnt recognise them as they looked the last time I seen them (does that make sense???). Ive grown up with depression, i was 19 when I took my first overdose and thought I had learned from my mistake after my 3rd but 10 years later the feelings back and the period of detatchment scared me as it lasted for a couple of hours, I even had the same feeling while watching the TV!. I avoid alcohol as it just messes me up and magnifies the emptiness but god I want to do something, take something to make things easier for myself but know its a selfish thing to do. I dont speak much and never cry for help, all my life ive just tried to cope the best way I can with whats wrong but it gets harder the older you get and worse with the crap life throws at you to deal with. Im sorry, im ranting on but that feeling, it was new to me, I thought that I had experienced everything that depression could throw at me.


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