Hey everyone, Hope your day is going well. Mine isn't…I feel SO disgusted with my body. I've been hitting it so much through out the day. as hard as I can. I want to cut but i'm trying not to…I don't know if I can hold out much longer.
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I was supposed to go with my brother on an errand to get his school supplies then my mom wanted us to go out lunch. But I couldn't so I stay home. I feel so hideous and I just don't want anyone to see me in this state.
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I HATE recovery i'mmore miserable now then i've ever been. I can't look at myself without feeling hatred,disgust,pure sadness,etc. I want it to stop I just want to be able to eat normal and still be skinny. but I don't think my body knows how to do that….
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I've never had a middle ground, I went from being 330 pounds to 84 pounds. to extremes. I have extra skin from my previous weight it it disgust me, it triggers me. I need surgery to get it removed. My mom promised me it would happen, but I need itnow.
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My depression and anxiety are through the rough and my ptsd isn't doing well either. i'm in so much pain physically and mentally I dont know how much more I can take. I'm sick of it.
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I wonder if it's even worth it. it's been happening since I was 6 years old, i'm 19 now (gonna be 20 in feburary) and nothing has changed it's only gotten worse, the family, my different illnesses and problems. my self loathing. nothing has changed.
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I know I've lost the people who I thought were my friends, they don't care they never check in with me, I only talk to the girls I've been in inpaitent with. they understand me.
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I take so many xanax and sleeping pills just to numb myself, I don't even want to be concious. I don't know…I'm confused, I'm in pain, I'm sick of everything. even as I write this i'm crying. my heart hurts, I want it to stop but it never does.
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I guess it's my fault though, i'm not strong enough to get past my anorexia, my depression, my ptsd, self harm,etc. everything is intensifying and i'm slipping through the cracks into the darkness.
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I just can't do this anymore. I can't drown my demons, They know how to swim.
You gotta stop for a second and ask yourself where this is going. The direction you are heading yourself in is not a good direction: it is the direction of death.
Have you ever wondered how people kill themselves? They don\'t want to. It\'s not what they want. They just logically corner themselves. they talk themselves out of living.
Do you want to talk yourself out of living?
You are young, and your life is not yet begun. Now is not a good time to talk yourself out of living.
You do have a big problem: you are in love with a guy who does not notice you. And you have spare skin from weight loss.
Either on its own is pretty horrible when you are young. either on its own is soul destroying. But you can\'t let it destroy you. You do get stronger. You do overcome this stuff.
I was madly in love with a guy called Liam when I was young. Incredibly in love. And he was nice to me. He was 26,I was 18.
It didn\'t happen. for years I cried myself to sleep over that guy. Years. I wanted something I couldn\'t have. In the end he went to England and came back with Aids.
I have wobbly skin too. There\'s an operation you can get though, to fix it all up. It\'s highly dangerous and invasive surgery, so you have to be in very good health to do it.
Perhaps you can talk to your mother about timing of the operation? Talk it through? And go on a health plan. No smoking, that\'s a killer for healing. Calming down on the drugs, and maybe trying to go see a specific anorexia counsellor who won\'t be a total douche, who can help you with nutrition?
There is hope. You just have to grab it. 🙂 Take care. xx
I don’t know if you’re still out there, struggling, but i understand where you’re coming from. Do you believe in God? That is the one thing that’s helped me through my self-loathing. Knowing that God loves me. I understand the demons can swim, they can fly , they haunt me. I guess God is stronger though.