So hear it goes. First of all not everyone knows my whole story. I feel like I'm a very private person but I can no longer hold on to these thoughts and lingering feelings. I need an outlet and I guess this is the best way. I've lost so many people in my life I didn't want to lose. Not like they died or anything but we no longer speak or see each other. No one likes me anymore. I'm 21 years old and I'm not doing what a typical 21 year old does. Go out to eat with friends or go for drinks, go to the movies, or go to concerts and such. I normally would do things alone. I had friends but they have left me (ditched me). They no longer want to be associated with me for reasons I am not sure of. I didn't do anything wrong nor did they. But to me it seems that I am not a good friend. First of all I didn't develop any good social skills growing up. I became very shy and quiet starting in the second grade. I don't have the best conversational skills either but if I get to know you well and you get to know me well we probably will have some good conversations. It's not like they teach us social skills at school, you have to learn it yourself. Anyways I guess because of this people think I'm just better then them. Which isn't true. Sometimes I'm quiet because I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I became a condescending liar. Whenever someone mentioned a recent movie someone watch and I didn't watch it but would ask me if I did, I would say yes I watched it. Why? Because I wanted to apart of their conversation, I wanted to be wanted. Just like now, I just want to be accepted and to be wanted. Towards my senior year of high school I met a girl online and we talked for a while. We only flirted and texted things of that nature and I like that stuff because no one ever told me those things. She wanted to meet me but I had no intention in ever meeting her but still wanted to talk to her. I used her, for my selfish ways. There were three girls Anjali, Paloma and Brenda that I talked to like that in that same year. Later on it would be this girl Liza. We would meet up but she turned out really crazy. I've stopped talking to her until she reached out to me again recently. Then there was this girl Raquel that I met at a party. We talked from 2011 until this year when she got a boyfriend. We had a friends with benefits type of thing so when she got boyfriend she ended it. I wanted to see if we could be friends but no she told me how much of a bad person I was and how I used her too. That she finally found someone that made her happy and that my friends left because I am a terrible person. I've finally stop trying to contact her. It got me to thinking do I just use my friends? I realized that I only talk to friends when I want to go out or when I feel like talking. But it works both ways right. They never start a conversation with me or invite me to places. I'm just confused. Am I a good person or am I the villain they make me out to be. I haven't since any of my former friends since August. It's been a tough few months. I've realized how alone I am in my life. It's all gone. I never wanted it to be like this. I remember sitting at school (middle school and high school) day dreaming about this moment in time and it is nothing as I thought. I thought I would have good close friends and we would be going out and doing things going on road trips having fun and being happy. I sometimes break down thinking about that because I have no of it. I thought I would have a girlfriend now. I've only had one and that was 7 years ago. I always wanted a girl to tell me I was handsome, only because this girl I did like would write on a picture comment that this guy was handsome. I like her so much I wished that was me. I hope things will change. I pray to God that they will. I just can't stand realizing on some nights how alone I am and how many tears come from it.

2 Comments
  1. Butterflies77 7 years ago

    Always be honest. It IS a big deal if you lie or mislead people in any situation.
    I understand about the social skills, and lack of them, etc.
    But there is never a reason for lying to anyone, or using anyone. That actually is unacceptable behavior in any situation.
    That being said, tomorrow is a new day. Keep reaching out to people. And always be yourself, that way, when someone does honestly like you, you will know it\'s for real, and not from making them think you\'re something you\'re not.
    Some people have tons of friends, some don\'t. It doesn\'t mean anything. As long as you can find a few honest to goodness true friends, it will mean so much more than hundreds of fake ones.
    Your life isn\'t over. And it doesn\'t have to be like how it is now, for the rest of your life.
    We all have better days then others. So hang in there. You do sound like a sincere guy when you allow yourself to be.
    And you sound worthwhile on getting to know. If I can see that, others will too.

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  2. dee1233 7 years ago

    I feel alone as well. I was just talking to my husband about feeling alone and no one knows how bad im suffering. I just wish I was normal again…… Anxiety sucks!!!!!!!!!

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