Nothing quite like Thursday Fall afternoons where by 2 PM you have contacted the Crisis Hotline and are debating about how to escape college. This is my first blog post and I am not sure what to really say or if I am saying anything right, but that is a later problem.
It is what I feel like is the end of semester but more likely the third of the way through. I started my second year of college at a new place 700 miles away. I fell in love with the city and fell in love with the campus. It started off great, and arguably still is great. Yet, I am struggling. Although around me the environment is great, I am finding to be my own worst enemy. My grades started slipping, and my mental health followed. It seems to be a cycle, where I fail to do schoolwork or do it right because of my mental health, which then makes my mental health worse. The school therapist is not really helpful, and it is not really easy to tell your RA “yeah I don’t want to be here like on this planet anymore”. No, that is not really cutting it for me. The thoughts start going through my head on how I can escape, what I can do, I feel like I have already screwed up past repair. Failed two exams in one class, got a C in my other, and haven’t turned in anything in another. The really bad thoughts come in, my brain telling me well if you are dead then it is gone. Yet, college is too expensive for that and I won’t get a refund for the last two years. Hey, if it is money that is keeping me here then so be it. Well, okay, what if I end up in the mental hospital? Money still might not be refunded and that won’t fix my grades will it? Maybe? Sometimes I wonder why my brain is trying to get rid of me, we have evolved to try and survive haven’t we? We are the animals who have made it this long due to survival instincts. It is so weird.
Side track. Sorry. My point is, is that I am still here though. I am broken and disheveled and feel like an utter failure, but I am still here. Is there truly time to fix my college experience? Two years of what I feel like wasted. There is only four years. This post is not to try to tell you how I fixed it suddenly, and to give some brightness to this situation, but I guess it is sharing it to those who also are feeling this. Although I am but a mess, to whoever is reading this, here are some thoughts that kind of ground me when ignoring the complexities of a four year expensive capitalist college experience… We are the universe experiencing itself, existence is so unique and we may only get one shot at life and emotions and love and adventures — it seems best to treasure it, divine intervention wants you here — you have angels that watch your every moment and want you to know you are not alone.
This blog post was a mess, but what can you really expect from an ADD anxious depressed twenty year old? Better? Year, me too.
Signing off, you can thank my crisis homie Sam for getting me here. I don’t know what to expect if anything, but we will see. PLUS! It is Fall y’all, although life sucks the seasons do not. Pumpkins, halloween movies, and black cats named after hocus pocus characters won’t let you down.