I’m afraid of doing this wrong – I guess that’s something to do with why it took me so long to start in the first place.

I’m a 30 AMAB…non-binary, I guess? I don’t know. All I can say for sure is that I don’t identify as a man. The notion feels inaccurate on the best of days, and repulsive on the worst. It sounds odd to say, but I wish it was simple enough to say that I just felt like a woman and be done with it – at least I’d know that there’s some kind of goal I could work towards. But, I don’t, so…yeah. Yay.

I don’t think I always felt this way either, which just makes it all the more confusing to me. Even assuming a part of me did in a repressed way, it took me until I was almost 30 to figure out the wording for this, let alone come to grips with it. This is even after I took an LGBT class in college – it’s all just so frustrating.

I guess I felt like I couldn’t feel this way, ? Being LGBT was something that other people get to be – if I did it, it’d just be for attention, or something. It really didn’t help that I grew up with a paradoxical idea in my head in how LGBT folk were treated – it wasn’t a bad thing to be LGBT, but it certainly wasn’t a good thing, either. What can I say – I grew up in the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell period.

In the present day, I shave all the hair on my body, except for the hair on my head and armpits (for some reason…don’t know why that’s the place it’s okay to have body hair, but whatever brain, go off). I wear makeup, and I cross-dress while in the safety of my own home. On a great day, I feel like a pretty, butch lesbian – I love it, and I feel like it’s my best self.

On the days I go outside, I usually just suck it up and put on men’s clothing, and either go without makeup or put on what I feel is just enough to be nice but not noticeable. It’s not a good time, but it’s bearable. Usually.

Occasionally, though, I do feel masculine. On such a day, I don’t even have a problem wearing men’s clothing (sans men’s underwear, I’ll never go back) – I’m just a regular dude again. Whoo hoo!

BUT THEN, dysphoria will hit, and my brain will say that my body is wrong. So I’ll change course, and try cross-dressing and makeup again, except that’s wrong too, and I’m not only ugly and misshapen for the clothes (despite getting them sized correctly, shout out to Stitch Fix), but also that I’m stupid for even trying in the first place. So it’s dysphoria 2 and me 0, and the best part is that dysphoria will hit in any order and with no warning. FFS brain, get a grip.

I said it already – I wish it was just simple enough to say that I felt like a woman through and through, and that was all there was to it. I’d happily find a way to make that transition happen – I’d even move out of the US, if I had to. But, I don’t. I don’t even know if I’d be happier from getting electrolysis, or taking estrogen. I definitely know that I don’t want to lose my penis – it’s the one male part of me that I genuinely have no problems with. The testes be testin’ me, though.

I want all this to have a point – I was advised by my Ginger coach to come here. I’ve been dealing with this like a hermit for over a year. I have no community right now, and I know that’s not an ideal way to deal with all this. The only person that knows all this about me is my wife – she is my rock, and I couldn’t do this without her. I know it’s not fair to put all this on her, though. So, hear I am – sharing my story, because while I’m unique, I know my experience isn’t special. There has to be someone on here that has had a similar experience. I’ve already seen that there’s other non-binary folks on here – I’ve got hope that someone understands it, the weird case of dysphoric bullshit that comes from being a bit of both and neither, all the time.

Who knows – maybe someone who’s feeling alone and is dealing with this kind of thing like a hermit will read this, too. I hope it helps you feel less alone. I don’t have answers, but hopefully knowing you’re not the only one will help you through a hard or dark moment. Fingers crossed.