Vent

You know what’s cool? Not being able to look at yourself in the mirror because your body disgusts you. Or being forced to misgender yourself for absolutely no reason at all and then getting headbutted for refusing. Currently.

I want to die. But I never would because 1) It would make my mom sad and she doesn’t deserve that after everything, and 2) I’m a huge pussy. But think about it this way. 

If I can do it quickly, I wouldn’t have to look at myself anymore. I wouldn’t have a friend that wants me to die because he’ll get what he wants. I wouldn’t dissapoint anyone anymore. And that’s all I want really. But at the same time I’m terrified.

Arguments and people come and go. How much would I miss? What would happen to me? Do I have the strength to go through with it? Probably not. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m terrified of it. I don’t want to leave without knowing what’s going to happen here and to me. What if my brother actually asks out the girl he’s been crushing on? What if my friend wants to make up with me? What if my dad pays my mom child support before she gets evicted? These are things I want to be sure of before I do it.

But if they don’t happen, it’d be worse. “Life isn’t meant to be spent waiting for death.” I’ve said this to my friends whenever they feel sad. 

I have to take care of everyone. I’m the ‘school therapist.’ When someone is upset they talk to me. But what do I do when I’m upset? Who do I talk to? Absolutely fucking no one. I have no one to turn to. What do I do on days like this? Lay in bed and wait for the strength to get up or pretend I’m fine.

its almost always the latter. Isn’t that ridiculous? Staying in bed all day just because you can’t even think to do anything without bursting into tears.

i want it to stop

1 Comment
  1. bridgie101 2 years ago

    so you need to cry then. Lie in bed and cry. That’s the best way to evolve anyway. Those who talk to you and come to you for their life problem solutions are just sucking up your energy anyway. They are never getting answers because they are not creating answers. Just hobby horsing off of your energy and leaving you as someone to blame if they choose wrong. You are their get out of jail free card.

    Start telling your friends to go to bed and lie there and cry till they come right. Then see how much they want your advice. And yet, it’s actually good advice.

    People rush to say ‘don’t kill yourself, you have everything to live for.’ I never say this. I just tell the truth: killing yourself has to be the thickest most idiotic ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’ idiocy on the planet. It really is thick. You’re locked into some life that’s happening right now, and may continue for 3 yrs. For the sake of 3 yrs of having a shit time, you consider destroying fifty years of fun, twenty years of alright, and maybe another five years of utter crap.

    It’s a bad tossup. It’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I know you feel like this state is neverending, that’s because you need to cry. Go to bed, pull a sickie, and cry till you stop. Maybe that will take 2 weeks. So wait till the school holidays, and then take to your bed.

    Shut down whatever emotional input you can shut down. Just digest the pile you’ve got.

    Everything is an adventure. Everything is a challenge. Everything bad that happens to you is a ball coming at you in dodgeball. It is a card being played at you in poker. You can’t be taking it personally. You can’t be quitting the game. Until you die you have not lost the game, so don’t be a loser. live through this and find out what it can teach you that nothing else could teach you, put that in your back pocket, and use it to win the next round.

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