You know what’s cool? Not being able to look at yourself in the mirror because your body disgusts you. Or being forced to misgender yourself for absolutely no reason at all and then getting headbutted for refusing. Currently.
I want to die. But I never would because 1) It would make my mom sad and she doesn’t deserve that after everything, and 2) I’m a huge pussy. But think about it this way.
If I can do it quickly, I wouldn’t have to look at myself anymore. I wouldn’t have a friend that wants me to die because he’ll get what he wants. I wouldn’t dissapoint anyone anymore. And that’s all I want really. But at the same time I’m terrified.
Arguments and people come and go. How much would I miss? What would happen to me? Do I have the strength to go through with it? Probably not. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m terrified of it. I don’t want to leave without knowing what’s going to happen here and to me. What if my brother actually asks out the girl he’s been crushing on? What if my friend wants to make up with me? What if my dad pays my mom child support before she gets evicted? These are things I want to be sure of before I do it.
But if they don’t happen, it’d be worse. “Life isn’t meant to be spent waiting for death.” I’ve said this to my friends whenever they feel sad.
I have to take care of everyone. I’m the ‘school therapist.’ When someone is upset they talk to me. But what do I do when I’m upset? Who do I talk to? Absolutely fucking no one. I have no one to turn to. What do I do on days like this? Lay in bed and wait for the strength to get up or pretend I’m fine.
its almost always the latter. Isn’t that ridiculous? Staying in bed all day just because you can’t even think to do anything without bursting into tears.
i want it to stop