Feeling pretty down and anti social today. Been having an almost sick feeling in my stomach for the past few days. I just feel like no one likes me, here at work, which I’m quite sure isn’t true but it just feels like they don’t. Getting tired of all the big guy jokes. While I’m not in as good a shape as I want I’m not huge either, but it’s just getting me down. I’ve expressed to one of the guys that’s the worst (the younger punk just here for the summer) that I’ve been depressed and now it’s a joke that he hurt my feelings. I’m getting very close to snapping and either giving him a verbal beating or taking him off company property. Either way the dam is getting close to breaking. I can take any other joke out there and I love joking around myself but when it comes to weight or something that someone is takes personal offense to, I believe that’s off limits. I just feel like asking these guys in front of everyone ..what are we in middle school, wtf…. When I was out doing my rounds today I stopped on the back side of our condenser, that is 40ft in the air while I was checking the fan motors, and just stared over the railing of the cat walk down to the ground. As I’ve stated previously I would never jump (atleast at this point I never would) but I just can’t help standing there going over and over in my head different ways to jump, different ways I’d land, would I die and what would people think. All of this with zero emotion. Although, while as I said I’d never do it conciously, I kinda feel this urge to do it and my body almost twitches like it wants to. This is very controllable at this point and I’m not too alarmed by it but it’s just something I’ve noticed. I don’t feel the slightest bit suicidal and I don’t know where this stuff comes from. This has probably been one of my most depressing days in a while. I’ve had days where I’ve been down a little bit here and there but today has just been one long crappy day.
Anywyas I hope your day is better,