Feeling pulled apart…
the funny part is – no one’s pulling.
I just feel parts of myself, trying to pull me towards different things. I cannot put my finger on what it all means. I know I have the tendency to hang onto what I have – the fear of losing what you have is a pretty reflexive one. But, to stay put for the wrong reasons – that would be an epic mistake. I have to seriously question my motives on that end of things – is it love, or comfort that keeps us together? Can we ever have what we once did, or is there just too much damage to overcome? I could work through just about anything with someone I love, but a relationship is a two way street. And, if you’re not even sure if someone wants you… what the hell are you doing? I know I hurt him, badly, but it’s been so long. He still can’t say he loves me, and he certainly expresses nothing about being IN LOVE with me. How long do I wait around, trying to figure this out?
I don’t know. But, I feel like I have some notion of how it should be, and I want that in my life. It makes no sense, that I feel drawn away from this place, but also unable to leave it. Uncertainty is paralyzing. And, when we stay still, for too long, life has a way of passing us by.
I have been so torn up that I have come really close to taking it out on myself. Taking it out on anyone else is not an option. I’ve done that, recently, and it was nearly very destructive. I could have lost one of the most important people in my life. So… cutting, burning, or just killing myself starts to seem really appealing in a strange absract sort of way.
"But I’ve got promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep" (Frost)