Feeling pulled apart…

the funny part is – no one’s pulling. 

I just feel parts of myself, trying to pull me towards different things.  I cannot put my finger on what it all means.  I know I have the tendency to hang onto what I have – the fear of losing what you have is a pretty reflexive one.  But, to stay put for the wrong reasons – that would be an epic mistake.  I have to seriously question my motives on that end of things – is it love, or comfort that keeps us together?  Can we ever have what we once did, or is there just too much damage to overcome?  I could work through just about anything with someone I love, but a relationship is a two way street.  And, if you’re not even sure if someone wants you…  what the hell are you doing?  I know I hurt him, badly, but it’s been so long.  He still can’t say he loves me, and he certainly expresses nothing about being IN LOVE with me.  How long do I wait around, trying to figure this out?

I don’t know.  But, I feel like I have some notion of how it should be, and I want that in my life.  It makes no sense, that I feel drawn away from this place, but also unable to leave it.  Uncertainty is paralyzing.  And, when we stay still, for too long, life has a way of passing us by.

I have been so torn up that I have come really close to taking it out on myself.  Taking it out on anyone else is not an option.  I’ve done that, recently, and it was nearly very destructive.  I could have lost one of the most important people in my life.  So…  cutting, burning, or just killing myself starts to seem really appealing in a strange absract sort of way.

"But I’ve got promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep" (Frost)

 

1 Comment
  1. Oscarmayer 12 years ago

    There are no bad kitties in my house!  Hang in there my dear!  Your life is important to me…. I was in similar shoes just a week ago….  Tomorrow is another day and believe me…. it is only up from here!

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