I feel as though I’m drowning lately. Instead of anyone around me throwing me a life preserver, they’re all throwing me baskets full of rocks. I have a full-time job with daily responsibilities built in, two graduate-level classes per semester–with two lengthy assignments and a ton of reading for each, I’ve been sucked into two separate search committees because we’re (FINALLY) hiring new employees. I have my own shrink appointments to remember, my son’s doctor’s appointments to remember, my son’s school IEP meetings to attend (now they want a second one to suggest more supports that he’ll need), constant communications with his gen ed AND special ed teachers, HIS homework to worry about (in fucking KINDERGARTEN?!?), his meal plan to keep paid, his bus routes to memorize, his diapers to change, his butt to place on the toilet whenever I can be home to do it, a dirty house I can sometimes clean a little of between working on homework during my days off, and now I have a job interview that I feel like I don’t even deserve.

“Attention to detail”. Everyone wants you to have “Attention to detail” and right now I feel so unfocused and lost and just drowning, juggling emails and scheduling meetings and trying to figure out how to catch up in a single weekend before everything is due. I’m having to choose sleep instead of staying up to work because if I don’t sleep when I can, I won’t be able to when I need to. So I fall further behind.

I have a psychiatrist appointment in goddamn December (useless!!!) to try and get an ADHD assessment but I’m drowning RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Meanwhile, my husband continues to keep calling me up at work for stupid reasons–“What’s X’s Chromebook password? What’s the ‘parent code’?” I don’t fucking know! Didn’t I just mention I was in the middle of trying to do 12 different things right now? Figure it out or let him use your computer.

God help me if I called HIM at work all the damn time. He probably wouldn’t bother answering. But if *I* don’t answer, it’s like the world is about to end. Every tiny thing is a crisis when I’m not around to figure it all out for him.

This morning, he walked into the room at like 6am and before my eyes were even open, starts talking to me, like it’s a given that I’m wide awake and listening to his every word. Who does that??? Who just starts talking at a person when they’re dead asleep, like rudely waking them is totally fine? He wants to work out the logistics of our schedules so we can close the motherfucking swimming pool and doesn’t get why I cop an attitude and tell him I DON’T HAVE DAYS OFF. He treats my grad program like some side hobby whenever he wants to monopolize my time, yet says stupid shit like “Well, you’re in it to win it now” any time I express my state of stress. Like it’s his job to nag me out of being such a quitter. I’m NOT a fucking quitter. Why does he think I’ll quit everything without his obnoxious, so-called “encouragement”?

I just can’t with this fucking life. Now I DO feel like quitting everything and running away with my son. I’m just in this constant state of wanting to scream at the top of my lungs.