I was diagnosed almost 20 years ago when I got told I had it I did not know what it was so when people asked how id gone on at the hospital cause knew id been a bit rough id just say I’ve got HIV but being open about it has never bothered me but my mother and father (they are not together )  they would get really defensive you see all the people that were diagnosed around the same time as me have all passed away I’m not scared of dying but I’m terrified with how its going to take me I take 53 pills a day for different side effect and my neuropathy I can’t walk some days when my nan was alive I got all My support from her but she passed in 2015 my partner is amazing and he looks Andree me brilliantly but my HIV is starting to affect my memory or the drugs are so I went looking for people to talk to on Facebook but every post I wrote id have my mum take that off or my brother saying why do you need to write this its making us look stupid I just want someone tot talk to as with out my nan I’m struggling even though I have my partner I want my family to accept me but they don’t I’m the families dirty little secret well not no more I’ve been on Facebook but I am not ashamed of what I had I know who I caught it from there was a man named martin and my mum is a lesbian and he and her hated each other so went I came out at 17 I did not know this man had issues with my mum anyways I got talking to this man he was not my type but ill sit and chat to anyone and he kept buying me drinks and I have no revolutions of leaving the pub or getting into a taxi I only knew he had sex with me when I woke up and my under pants had been removed I asked for a taxi and I went home and I scrubbed myself clean because I knew I would of never consented to having sex with him he was a lot older than me and just not my type I was new to the gay seen so had not got loads of experience about anal sex but my bottom was bleeding so I knew what he had done then about 4to 6 weeks later he saw my mum they had there usual argument and he said to her well I’ve won you will never be able to get at me but I’ve got you I’ve infected your son with HIV I never knew this bloke even knew my mum never mind that they were enemies a few weeks about 8weeks I was so poorly my Nan fetched me from my flats and called our GP he came to see me at home and he asked if I was gay my Nan said yes I was and within two days I was at the infectious disease clinic I remember saying what have they sent me here for I’ve not got an infectious disease they did countless test and back in the 90s they did not get on the spot results so I was sent home for 7to10days I went back and I was hit with I have chicken pox on my lungs I had CMV and another list of infections in most parts of my body I was admitted and I was told there was some tablets I could have but if they did not work I had 3 months to live the drugs were indinivir and combivir they were awful they made me so poorly but my nana begged me to take them so I did I di for 2years until trudava and viramune came about in fact when I started on them they had a number not a name they were experimental I jumped at the chance and I’m still on them today but before I went to a charity where I had friends I could share experiences with we would givqe each other tips on how to cope with the side effects and what worked for them so we could try then one by one my friends got sick and they all passed away which left me alone and I felt lost by I asked my parents to talk but they did not want to know and to this day still don’t so I went onto Facebook I explained my situations and asked if there is anyone like me my parent are furious that I have been open about my status and now I have no one who knows what its like to be positive I have terrible neuropathy so I struggle to walk its affecting my memory I can remember what I did years ago but not what I did yesterday I told my mum I’m struggling to cope and I feel like stooping my drugs and her answer do what makes you happy I’ve got to a point now where I feel I have to hide away cause my family are ashamed of me and I’m lonely my boyfriend works long hours and dose support me but if I stop my drugs I leave him behind I don’t know who I am allowed to be anymore my partner and I are having a committed ceremony next week and my mum said people won’t come because I have AIDS I thought times had moved on it was more acceptable that’s what I read all the time but why is that not the case for me as I write this post I am sobbing my heart out because I don’t know who I am suppose to be they are fitting Mr a starlit because I can’t climb the stairs and building me a wet room as I can take a bath without support its so embarrassing I’m 36 and can’t take a bath I dont want to offend anyone but I don’t want to live a lie I was on the phone arguing with my father last week and he has problems with alcohol but he thought he put the phone down and I could still hear him as he had not cut the phone off and he said well ill have the last laugh cause ill laugh over his grave when he is dead I just don’t know how to take all this negativity I don’t want to have to watch what I’m saying in case I mention AIDS but I have hospital appointments for all sorts of stuff what if someone sees me at the hospital how do I cover my tracks on top of that I have an addiction to zopiclone I’ve taken 57todsy and still can’t sleep would it just not be best for me to stop my HIV meds have a few months or a years or so with my partner and let myself go my family think I’m worthless there is so much more that goes on but my fingers hurt typing so I will have to sign off here please if there is any positive gay males who can help me please find it in your heart to help me the first time I looked for HIV chat rooms gaydar came up and I certainly don’t want sex I’ve been faithful to my partner for 7 years I won’t ever cheat on him even though he stopped having sex with me from October last year I don’t know why he just says well your poorly so that’s why so I have a boyfriend I’m desperate to be intimate but he pulls away or says he has a head ache so I turn around sob into my pillowed till I fall asleep I know there is a lot of problems and trust me there is more but any help id greatly appreciate

1 Comment
  1. samarkand 5 years ago

    Oh Jonathon that really sucks!
    I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling and being denied in getting the support you need.

    0 kudos

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