Growing up I was always considered "shy". I didn't have a shortage of friends, I just talked alot less than everyone else. And everyone seemed fine with that.I wasn't locked up in my room or house all day and night, I did the same thing as everyone else, went to games, parties, lots of sleepovers, all that. I just didn't talk much unless asked a question or something like that usually. Thinking back I guess there were signs here and there, like being the last to sleep and the first to wake up at slumber parties (in case I said something embarassing in my sleep of course, couldn't have anyone hearing that). That probably helped contribute to my insomnia I still have today too, lol. I never dated in high school or even college. It's not that I had any shortage of crushes, but telling them!..what if they laughed or told everyone. Still, I was what I would consider happy back then, had plenty of friends, went out whenever I wanted, was just cautious of my words and actions. Sounds normal to me at least.

Then there was college. I went out a little too much there, hehe. Being on my own for the first time, didn't buckle down and study, spent ALOT of time playing pool and hanging out with friends there. After 3 semesters, it caught up to me and I had to come back to community college because my grades were so bad. First semester there went well, all A's and B's and I still had some time to relax. Then my second semester came and that's when it turned around for me I think. Started to, anyway. The classes were fine started out like the semester before, then one of the guys in a couple of my classes started following me around campus. I never told anyone, not even my family knows, till now if they read this. I didn't drive so everyday when my classes were over I waited outside one of the buildings for them to come pick me up. He would show up there alot too trying to talk to me. He seemed nice, offered to drive me home a few times, waited with me till they got there, etc. But he made me 'nervous' so I finally just stopped going and dropped out. I tried re-enrolling a few years later but by then I just couldn't concentrate on studying so I haven't gone back. It was around that time when I stopped going out much and talking to my old friends too. So maybe that was the beginning for me?

In 1996, I got my first computer and the internet. It had been a little over a year since I'd pretty much cut myself off from everything. I was working at that time as an aide on a headstart bus. But other than that I stayed shut in my bedroom watching tv and just reading. The internet finally gave me somewhat of a life back. I made new friends online, there was always at least 3 or 4 online to chat with and I met someone. We talked for around 6 months, chats, im's, emails, phone, finally we decided to meet. Within a few weeks we were living together, I was actually happy. For a while anyway.

After being there around a month or two I decided to find a job since I had finally settled in. But something happened while looking for one that hurts me even today. Ihad been looking for a few days and decided to try the unemployment office too. So I signed up and waited till I was called. The lady there, barely gave me time to sit down when she told me she couldn't help me. I wasn't pretty enough to get a job. I don't take negative criticism very well anyway, but, yeah, I got up, left (wouldn't let her see how much that bothered me), and went home. Took a long time for me to finally decide to go back out and look again, but I finally found one.


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