so today went from worse, to hell itself. mom made another excuse not to go se her mother this week claiming that her mother;s sisters where coming so she want them to have time together.

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but it was never confirmed if they actually showed up. she says she feels bad and wants to see her but always backs out of it.

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mom bought me a new shirt today- even though I asked her not to- it wasn't a bad one but what me me mad is that i'm an xs in juniors but she got me a medium in juniors because she wants me to gain soe weight (i'm 60 pounds)

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so I fel pressured and berated by her. and then suddenly just switched modes and went into bitch mode fighting with dad then blaming ME for the fight they had.

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we fought for a bit and long story short I told her this "my soul has already been dead, right now my job is trying to breathe everyda, survive this hellish world in a broken body and mind"

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and left after that. i'm sick of people thinking I CHOOSE to hurt, to be depressed,anxious and have an eating disorder. that being suicidal is a cowards way out.

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,'unless you'be been in my shoes, or one that has also suffered a great amount you have NO right to judge. it's my body my life. If I want to cut until I bleed out i'll do that, if I want to OD onpills i'll do that!

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i'm sick of just being the foot mat for those that only come to me when THEY need something be leave me hanging when i'm in need of someone to talk to.

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i'm just the ugly unwasble stain they don't want to be seen with. I wish they'd just say the truth, that they don't want to be my friend and to fuck off. it'd be easier then always wondering, watching them doing everything with others and not even asking once if you'd like to join in.

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it hurts…everything does…I just want it to stop. I cut again today after my fight with mom. I'm so raw I can't handle anymore blows.

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please, just let me die.

1 Comment
  1. crysalot09 5 years ago

    sorry your easter sucked so bad. we have a fragmented family and i  did absolutely nothing today, which is sad b/c we used to have such fun family holidays when my g’ma was still alive.

    I fel sorrow for your sorrow and it isn’t right for anyone to judge. I have alot of social anxiety and it really hurts not having some friends and always being ALONE. even alone in a crowd,ha. 

    keep on going because it’s always better to hang around to see what might happen next

    xoxo

     

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