I had a meeting with my probation officer today. Here are just a few words he used to discribe me:


a 14 year old trouble maker

Passive Agressive


I say things just to please everyone

I let my fears consume me

There were others but they are the ones that stick out in my memory. Especially the passive agressive one.

I guess I am passive agressive. or maybe im just passive and sometimes agressive. I know, for the first time, I raised my voice to him. He wanted me to tell him what I was thinking. I didn’t want to. He kept pushing until I yelled "IT DOESN"T MATTER"… He was speachless. He was trying to tell me what I say matters. It doesn’t.

We had somewhat a heated discussion about "getting help". I’m not going to get into it, but he ended up saying that we’ll continue it later.

I have been feeling worse and worse today. I thought alot about suicide today. About OD’ing mostly. When I was on the bus with my Ipod, death consumed my thoughts. I was looking at the trees in town that I like. They are starting to to orange. I was looking at them, and thinking "This could be the last time that I see these trees". A just as I was thinking that, a song "shadow of the day" by Linkin Park. I want this song to be my funeral song. When I went over the bridge, I thought about jumping off of it. Its all consuming. I havn’t seriously thought about this in a while. It’s getting worse every day.

Just earlier, I was thinking about making up a will. Everything I own will go to my sister.

I know I shouldn’t say these things. I shouldn’t put them in the public forum. I can’t see the light anymore. I’m so tired. I feel like I can’t continue. I feel so weak. I’m drowning.

1 Comment
  1. jeneva5 14 years ago

    I know how suicide can consume you…the thoughts are so overwhelming at times that you wonder how you will get through them.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try as hard as you can to distract yourself when these thoughts overwhelm you.  Sending you good wishes.

    0 kudos

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