I had a meeting with my probation officer today. Here are just a few words he used to discribe me:
a 14 year old trouble maker
I say things just to please everyone
I let my fears consume me
There were others but they are the ones that stick out in my memory. Especially the passive agressive one.
I guess I am passive agressive. or maybe im just passive and sometimes agressive. I know, for the first time, I raised my voice to him. He wanted me to tell him what I was thinking. I didn’t want to. He kept pushing until I yelled "IT DOESN"T MATTER"… He was speachless. He was trying to tell me what I say matters. It doesn’t.
We had somewhat a heated discussion about "getting help". I’m not going to get into it, but he ended up saying that we’ll continue it later.
I have been feeling worse and worse today. I thought alot about suicide today. About OD’ing mostly. When I was on the bus with my Ipod, death consumed my thoughts. I was looking at the trees in town that I like. They are starting to to orange. I was looking at them, and thinking "This could be the last time that I see these trees". A just as I was thinking that, a song "shadow of the day" by Linkin Park. I want this song to be my funeral song. When I went over the bridge, I thought about jumping off of it. Its all consuming. I havn’t seriously thought about this in a while. It’s getting worse every day.
Just earlier, I was thinking about making up a will. Everything I own will go to my sister.
I know I shouldn’t say these things. I shouldn’t put them in the public forum. I can’t see the light anymore. I’m so tired. I feel like I can’t continue. I feel so weak. I’m drowning.