okay. i have really mixed up feelings right now. see, my last bf was…well….interesting. but I dumped him, so that means i should be over him. right? well im not.

its weird. its been a little over a year since we’ve dated and about 1 month since i’ve seen him. and i dunno. i feel bad for dumping him ’cause it went down really poorly. see, around sept. 28-30 of last year i was in the local hospital mental ward because i had threatened suicide. and around that time i there way this guy there that i met named Nate. he was the only other kid there so me and him got to talk more and stuff, rather than socializing with the adults. he was cute and i liked him, and he liked me back. but i was dateing John. i felt really bad flirting with Nate while i was dateing John so on sept 29th, when John called me to see how i was doing, i broke up with him. i had thouhgt that i did it really nicely, other than the fact that i did it over the phone. i told him that i wanted to just be friends (which is just about the worst thing to say to a guy) and that i didnt see a reason we still couldnt talk and stuff (’cause i still talk to all my other ex bf’s) and he agreed. then that nite Nate asked me out. in all actualality, i was only single for a couple of hours.

i felt really guilty for doing that to John, but i dunno. i guess i’m just a sucky girlfriend. o well. *shrugs* but after that John decided to start calling me a slut and a whore and shit like that.:censored: i know this becuase i still talked to Little B. Little B was the friend I made while i was dating John. so at the time he was a mutual friend. and B would tell me all the stuff John would say about me, and he would say that if you even mentioned my name around him he would totally flip. (even up until over the summer thats how it was) i felt so angry with John. but i never once spoke a word bad about him.:angel: never. i made sure that i wasnt going to stup down to that level.

then over the summer we had group. John was in it with me, so me and him just basically put the past behind us and would talk like nothing happened. during the group i found out something interesting about when i dumped John. his little sister told me that John cried for 2 hours after i dumped him. and John’s not the type to cry. i think the last time he really cried was when his dad died when he was 5. yea. basically i felt like shit.:em0400: i didnt mean to hurt him that badly. honest i didnt. then i was told that they (as in John’s friend’s who are also kind of my friends) thought that John still liked me. (this is what i heard over the summer) and it shocked me. i mean, i know i still liked him, but i didnt think he would still have feelings for me. guess i was wrong.

well, the jist of my entry is this. i still really like John. but im not totally sure that he likes me back still. i havent had a bf since john (Nate turned out to be a dud) and i still wanna date him. my mom’s not to keen on the idea because of the reason i dumped john. Nate was most of the reason, but it was also a bunch of little things. things like his temper & his hygene. i mean, John only took a shower & brushed his teeth when someone remined him.:001_unsure: and he had/has a horrible temper. horrible. but i figured, if we go back out again, they would be things that we could work out.

but i dont know what to do. any ideas? ive been subtlly trying to flirt with John over myspace (lame, i know) but i dont know what else to do. i afraid of putting myself out there with him. i really am. god, i just wish me and him could hang out somewhere and talk. face to face. i hate over this computer shit. or even over the phone. *bangs head against key board* i dont know what to do. help me please. :helpsmilie:

xx;
katie