I’ve got one more day of work before I sink back into my hole. I’m back home on a course so for now I’ve got something to keep me distracted. Tomorrow night the real fun begins as I try keep it together long enough to make it to China next Thursday. I have resigned myself to whatever is going to happen in China – though I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do. It will take a few days to get things ready, but there’s no way that’s going to be distract me enough to stop another episode.
At least now I know when I’m going to lose it. When it first started happening I would delude myself up until the very end. Right up until I realised that nothing has changed, and I’m still in the same position I was when I left home. I’d be feeling awesome about coming back home right up until we were about to land; and then I have to clench my teeth to try and stop myself from crying in front of my workmates. That’s for a bad one anyway.
I still haven’t worked out how to stop myself from doing it. Maybe I’m just kidding myself to think I can stop these episodes on my own. Now that I think about it I probably am, but I don’t know how to ask for help.
If it’s just a small hurdle then I can psyche myself up and get over it, but at home it’s another story. Home is where I should live my life, not at work, but I just don’t have the enthusiasm that everybody around me appears to have. Unfortunately it looks like my lack of motivation is going to become a problem at work as well. I’m surviving now because people think I am just learning my role. Truth is I’ve been put in a position where the work is largely self-motivated and I just don’t care. I’m happy to be at work because it’s great to get away from home, but I don’t actually want the responsibility that comes with my job.
The bright side is that I’ll get a stubby holder and a mug at the end of this course. I’m not learning anything, and by looking at the course notes tomorrow will be the most boring day of them all. Oh and I’m making a cheesecake tomorrow night as well – that’s a positive. I’ve also downloaded a heap of new anime to watch so that will keep me occupied for a while.
Here’s hoping that I can get through these next six days without any little episodes and I make it to China in one piece. That’ll keep me occupied as well – providing… nah that’s for another blog.. I can’t put that into words right now. There’s no point spoiling a good mood.
All I want to do right now is cook, but I’m not feeling hungry.