It finally happened last night. I laid down to go to bed and all of a sudden the tears started pouring down my face. Then I was sobbing and I couldn't stop it. Each breath hitched in my chest and my eyes burned and the anguish let itself be heard. My husband laid down with me and held me, and brushed the hot tears from my face and ran his fingers through my hair. He didn't say anything, which I was grateful for. I just needed to get it out of my system I guess. There's been a lot of sadness in my life lately that I don't want to talk about, but it's stuff I have no control over whatsoever, I just have to learn to cope with it. That's so difficult though, to let it go and not feel like you have the wheel in your hands.
When I fell asleep though I had a dreamless night ~ no nightmares or heartaches to go through. I'm grateful for that at least. I feel better this morning having let go of the pain I was holding onto, I wish I could release like that more often. I'd feel so much better, but I just can't do it. I have to get to the point where the pot boils over and just spills everywhere. Luckily my son was asleep already and he sleeps soundly. It takes a lot to wake him up.
This morning brought better things. Like I said, I feel better after falling apart last night and setting the heartache free. But on the way to dropping Zach off to camp he was telling us that he hoped his friend Joshua would be there today. Since camp's been in session for almost a week and he hasn't been there we had decided he probably wasn't coming. We told Zach that it was very unlikely. He didn't like that answer much. But as we were dropping him off in came Mindy and Joshua! Zach was so excited he was beside himself. The boys ran off together to the recreation room to go play. It made me very happy to see them together. And I was very happy to see Mindy too. It's been over a week since we've really had contact and I know she's been having a hard time. Something happened with her family and she got stuck at her Mom's for almost the whole week, which she was NOT happy about. I hugged her and told her I'd call her later today, and I intend to do it. I know I'm bad about the phone but I think she needs to talk and I'm her friend so I should be there for her too. Now that my mindset is better I feel like maybe I can do her some good. And who knows? Maybe it will do me some good too.
So Aaron stayed home today to spend the day with me. I'm actually glad now. I think my reaction last night had a lot to do with my state of mind. We're just going to relax, go to lunch, and have "us" time. We so rarely get that. We are almost lost at what to do, lol.
My ducklings are back today, and as usual I'm happy to see them. They make the place so much more alive it seems. The only thing I don't like is that they're chasing other ducks out of the pond now. But there's nothing I can do about that, it's nature's way and I can't mess with it. The other ducks will return when they have moved on. Speaking of which I have to go put food out for them shortly or else they won't be very happy. 😉
It's been a rough week. There are sad things that have been really weighing on my mind and heart but I don't really want to talk about them. A lot of it I can't convey ~ but other things I just don't feel right to air them out loud. Some things are best kept to yourself, and it's always a burden to bear them, but you have to keep it inside. I've always hated that. Sometimes I don't feel strong enough to bear it alone.
It seems like the burden is lighter today though. I can hold my own and feel stronger. I just don't like admitting that I'm not in control and that I have to be a passenger in this ride called life. Certain things I can decide, but fate ultimately chooses for me I think. I'm not sure of what I believe in right now.
At least I'm not wanting to hurt myself or having thoughts of suicide. That last bout of really bad depression left me pretty scared of myself for awhile. But it has lifted and I think it's almost completely gone for awhile. I hope it doesn't come back anytime soon.
My wishes to you all are a pleasant day and sunshine to warm your souls. Take care of you.