Why is it that the person who's the most selfless, giving, and considerate person will always suffer, without any help, than the person with the most selfish, taking, and inconsiderate person, who has help whenever they need it?
How is this fair?
I sat outside for an hour in the snow, just so I didn't have to be in this hellhole of an apartment. My sister knew I was out there, she knew she was the reason too. She made me tea and said she respected that I went outside to avoid an argument.
That was after I was outside for about 5 minutes.
After that one thing, she literally never even checked up on me to make sure I was ok, or if I had been kidnapped. She didn't even bother to come out and talk to me about what was wrong.
But some random guy saw me and in the most sincere voice and way, asked me if I was ok. Then he asked me if I needed anything, and if I was sure.
Wow. More care from a stranger than a sister. That's rare.
While I was out there, I notice something.
I literally have no friends. They all either hate me, or I'm too embarrassed to talk to them, so they forgot about me.
I don't have a single person that I can just call and talk to. Or someone that I can ask to meet up with.
I also noticed that I will never accomplish everything about paying my parents' bills, taking care of them like I should, or even going to South Korea.
I'll never have the money to do any of that.
I'll never have the grades to become a physical therapist.
I'll never get the change that I need.
Why is it that I try so hard to really make a difference and help people, but have to suffer through so much alone, and to the point of suicide, but my sister who has no good intentions can be so happy like nothing in the world is wrong?
What did I do wrong to deserve this?
I'm not perfect, I know. I'll never end world hunger or find a cure for cancer. I know. But I really have been trying to better myself. I've tried to stop talking back to my parents, I don't cuss as much, I try to be helpful rather than a hassle, but yet I still am the one who hates being alive. I hate knowing that I'll never be able to do all that I said I wanted to, or even some of it. I hate the torture of seeing how much of a failure I am.. Everything in my life is a failure.
And I'm probably going to flunk out of college because I can't get my mind straight. I'm already on academic probation because of last semester..
I try so hard.. But I always end up failing..
I kind of feel like it's the whole "The rich get richer, the poor get poorer." type of thing.
I know life is supposed to be hard.. But seriously..,
How is this fair?