I spent all day crying. It started right before I had to get ready for work. I get the email. From the guy who I’ve come to really like and have even mustered up the courage to meet within the next 6 months. We spoke on the phone 3 times yesterday and things were ok. Said he would never give up on me. Today I get the email. Says he can’t deal with his own problems and offer support to mine. Says his life is a trainwreck and doesn’t want me involved. (too late, buddy, I already bought my tickett). My first response was typed through tears, not very rational, told him he might as well give up on me, everyone else has that it was ok and I was used to it. Blah, blah, blah. After crying through my shower, crying on the way to work, crying at work–I was having trouble functioning–I took 2 ativan. I stopped crying but it still felt as if there were a knife in my gut. I reread the email and wrote a more sane response, kind of scathing…not mean but real, very real. I have got no response to either, I don’t know if I ever will. I am hurting real bad, worse than I’ve hurt in a long time, the kind of hurt where you don’t want to eat but your force youself and hope you don’t throw-up.
I don’t understand what it is about me that I can’t keep men. They all tell me how special I am, how smart, pretty, how real and down to earth, but when it comes to loving me I guess I am not good enough. I think I may have to face the fact that I will be alone the rest of my life. I must be really damaged. More damaged than I ever thought. I thought I was getting better but now I don’t know. I’m just sick inside and I don’t see my counselor for another 3 wks. It seems like an eternity. I have finals coming up in less that 2 wks and I can’t even conceive being able to concentrate right now. I need to go lay down.