Today being Sunday, my dad wanted the family to go to church. Having been up for the majority of the last night, all I wanted was a bit of sleep. The man started to get me up like the usual corny dad; sweet-talk, then bribe, then frustration through water.
I snapped at that point. I literally told him I didn't give a damn about religion and I wanted to stay for the time of the mass. He didn't like that, and that was when the fighting began. First verbally, then it got physical (I didn't fight back, though; violence never solves anything for me). He shoved me into the shower, forcefully bathed me, then ordered me to get dressed.
I didn't, and he had to miss the morning mass because of an emotional breakdown. I just wanted him to listen to me for once, but it was pretty much a lion-and-ox moment. Niether of us wanted to let up.
Then I tried to make a run for it. If I had stayed home, I would end up hurting someone else. He wouldn't let me, again, and things went from bad to worse. Once my mother and siblings came back, we started to fight in front of them. Not the first time, but it was pretty scary for my brother. He never saw us fight like that before. Things got physical yet again, and I was hollering so loud, I'm surprised the neighbors didn't complain.
He started saying how I can't trust anyone outside the family. How you have to put all your faith in the lord. "Shut up!" I cried. "I'm so sick of hearing about god. About your fear!" We just kept going at that until I was on the floor. That's when the second breakdown happened.
"If you think you're a man, then prove it! Prove you're responsible!" That was when my mom interfered. I was in the fetal position for what felt like hours. My brother tried to get me to play with him a bit, but I didn't respond. I just felt so empty, I didn't seem to matter to anyone.
Including myself.
The only thing I could do at that time was go to sleep. Pray that my end would finally come. It obviously didn't. When I finally came to, my mom suggested we go to the mall. Not because I had to be alone, but because I needed time away from my prison. My brother was asleep at the time, so she and my sister accompanied me. I realized that she did love me, but I can't feel it anymore.
The time out helped a bit. I'm still frustrated, but at least I don't feel empty anymore. Not completely. I don't even know why I'm putting this out for others to read, but I guess, whatever it takes to let out these dark emotions.
I'm so tired of feeling worthless. I couldn't even get my father to listen to me for five seconds. I haven't even done my school work because of this feeling. Why? Why can't I just get over this in an instant? Why do I have to have depression creating and strengthening this prison that I have created?
MForeverChained, if you read this, thank you for the comment. That's the first time in so long that someone that's not family saw a person in me. My dad is a fool to think that you only have your family in life. I hope that you solve whatever's going on between your mother. The fact that we can't see the care of other; it's hard. But we all suffer from our condition.
YK ~ I'm so sad and angry that this happened to you with your Dad. I think it scares him that you don't necessarily have the same beliefs that he thinks you should. It doesn't matter because physical and emotional abuse are WRONG either way. Is there a way that you can avoid ending up alone with your Dad? If it keeps happening in front of your Mom maybe she'll get wise to it and put a stop to it. I surely hope so, because she's seeing what each of her children will go through if they decide they want to be their own person instead of what he expects of them. It's bad enough that he does this to you!
I understand your anger and your feelings of worthlessness. I've been there too, and still fight with it often because of my past in a somewhat similar childhood/teenage environment. I hope you can find some way to vent your anger that's positive instead of leading to more self-hate. I'm sure you're a wonderful person who happens to be depressed and has a rough home life. You should take a good look in the mirror and realize that you are worthwhile even if you feel alone right now.
And you're right about your Dad being wrong about how you can't trust anyone outside of the family. Dtribe is a family of it's own with many circles within it, but any of them will welcome you open-hearted and open-minded. Remember that we are here for you as much as you need us.
Take care of yourself YK ~ you're important. Don't give in or give up. I'm so glad you finally fought back and broke down the walls. Don't put them back up.
((HUGS)) ~ Key