The past few days have been weird. My mood uplifted almost to the point of wondering if I am bi polar, because I have nothing to be happy about and I have been wrapping gifts and singing and all without drinking alcohol (I've had tons of caffeine though, it is a much stronger drug than most people realize) But I think really that it's something I have learned to do, try to be happy because if not, I will really perish.

The last 2 health care people asked me if I get manic and how they described mania is not how I feel. My happiness never gets to a crazy level, it only gets to the level of someone who looks like they have a pretty good life and is enjoying it. Then it's like I wake up from that fantasy and realize how incredibly shitty things are and I go back to being depressed. When I'm depressed it seems to match the state of my life, it's almost more normal for me to be depressed because I have a reason to be.

I LOVE feeling happy, but it's really because I am living in a fantasy, I start to think about things that can never happen like Kyle coming back and being rich and ridiculous unrealistic shit like that which will never and can never happen. Sometimes I even try to be more realistic and think I will get over Kyle and meet someone new. That is even a total fantasy that will never happen. It's unrealistic optimism.

So anyway. Tuesday I went out to coffee with my Dad and I mailed the "love letter" to Kyle. The weirdest thing happened when I mailed it, I felt at peace. That's when the happiness started this last time. I guess it's because I am thinking Kyle will understand how special we had things or could have things and that's not what's gonna happen, but I still want to believe it. Ha. This is such a bullshit Christmas story I have going on in my head. Call the Hallmark Channel. It's so pathetic that I even allow myself to fantasize about it. I know in reality Kyle wants nothing to do with me especially romantically and I know he's happy with someone else, but if I start thinking about that, I will fucking lose it and go into a deep depression and end up locked up in a hospital.

The next two days were good, especially yesterday, Mom and I went grocery shopping and the crowd didn't even bother me and I loved wrapping gifts when we got home.

Then this morning I had another dream about Kyle. This one was rather lucid. It started off that I was in the audience of one of his performances and then I think that I knew I was dreaming, so I began to control the events (I have always been a vivid dreamer, sometimes to the point of controlling my dreams) So of course we got back together in the dream and we were hanging out intimately and having fun going out together. Then of course I woke up. This time when I woke up I wasn't morbidly disappointed to find out that we weren't together and that is because I knew it was a dream the whole time. When I have dreams that we have gotten back together and I am unaware that it's a dream, I will wake up and for the first minute think it's real. When I realize it was only a dream, it's devastating.

So I just want to get through this Holiday with my False Happiness. At this point any kind of Happiness is good, I don't care what it takes. But I know as the days go on, that letter has to have gone somewhere. I am going to worry myself sick unless some miracle allows me not to care.