I came here because I'm hoping we the same. When I write notes on Facebook either no one reads them or thinks I'm crazy. Crazy in a very bad way. Trying to explain depression to someone who doesn't have it is like trying to explain to someone born into wealth what it's like to be dirt poor. They just don't get it. Sometimes they don't even try.
I'm so tired. I got no sleep again because too much booze makes me sick and I can't rest. I am a drunk. Not total AA drunk, but definitely I have aproblem. I am too old to drink like a kid but I do. It's not for fun anymore, just because it's the only way I can escape my misery for 5 minutes. Omg, it's not worth it anymore, it makes me so much worse but I can't stop. Maybe it is like AA but I'll never go to AA. I am too much of a freak to stand being around people for 2 seconds in a social setting with no booze. I need it just to say hi to anyone (in a social setting, not running errands). I am too scared of people.
I had another breakdown last night. My breakdowns are especially bad because they are broadcasted on Facebook. Sort of like a Reality Series only instead of fame and fortune, I get made fun of and lose a lot of friends when they see the shit that I write. Holy God it's bad. Usually I'm a very nice drunk which is good, you know I will write and tell my friends how much I love them.
That is very nice. But when things go bad, sometimes I have a breakdown and say bad things. And everyone reads them. And I hate the things that I say andwant to take them back but everyone already saw them!!!
So all these things are happening: I had so many bad dates this year,I am so lonely and single and I have a review on Friday if it doesn't go well I will not get my SSI benefits anymore and I will kill myself.
Then a lady was mean to me because she was a total bitch and didn't like something I sold her online. And then I had another dream about my ex boyfriend who I love more than anything in the whole universe. He dumped me 3 yrs ago and I still love him very very very much.
So I got drunk and had a breakdown and called everyone I used to know "FAGGOTS" . I do not use that word to mean gay. I use that word to mean asshole, because it's an offensive word and asshole is not strong enough.
I suppose if someone is gay AND an asshole they would be a faggot, but I wouldn't call them that because they would take it wrong. Fag to me is an asshole, like I said, a bad person, a jerk. To me it doesn't mean gay because gay people are just the same as straight, bi, etc. etc. in other words WE are ALL EQUAL. But when someone is a bad person… ooohhh boy, I will call them the worst name I can think of and that fag thing is a gross ugly word.
Anyway, why did I call the ppl I use to know faggots, well because they rejected me and hated me and we were all supposed to be friends. Every group or school I went to I never fit in.
I didn't like using that word though, I should have said assholes, pricks, fuckers, I don't know, I don't like saying that fag word because ppl will think I am bigotted. I don't use N word ever. To me N word mean asshole, just like fag but I do not use because no one will ever realize that —they will think I am racist. It makes sense that they would think that so I never use that word because I am nooooooo racist.Again, I see everyone one color. And one in the same, EXCEPT for mean horrible people, they are not equal, they are mean horrible people, like the lady who bought the brooch from me (she is white and straight, but she's all those horrible words because she's so mean)
So great, I call them all that and then I try to be their friend on FB because I am proving a point that they hate me anyways.
What I really wanted to do was kill myself. But I have no supplies to do so. I don't even have anything to make an attempt. And an attempt will get me locked up, not freedom from this horrible life like I want. (TBC)