Again, i’m not sure this will remain here or be deleted, one more time….  Seems like between “technology” and my finger movements, there is a definite lack of proper communication!  –Nothin new, though.  i really have to say how much i appreciate so many of you–your compassion and caring ways.  It’s no secret how rough things have felt for some time, now, becoming extremely dark, a couple weeks ago.  We all have trials and struggles–yes, some more than others, but we all have issues–so the support we can offer others can really keep some of us afloat.  Thank you!                                                                           i wrote a little, the other day, after my last session, but i continue having other ideas and thoughts popping into my head….i checked out the two sites my counselor suggested, and sent one of them an email…i’m really not sure what kinda support/help they can offer, but if they can help guide me past this huge loss–at least enough to start healing in a more healthy way–then i have to at least try.   My mind and heart constantly ache with the memories and thoughts of Shelby’s short life, her leaving Gabe, as well as her brother…..ETC.  i would still like to begin to orchestrate some sort of going away party for her, to celebrate her life….  It’s already been over a year, and i’ve not even gotten any ideas, as to location or who all to invite, etc.  i definitely don’t want to burden anyone with the heavy load of setting it up and cleaning up and whatever else goes along with it….. i keep feeling like i’ve let several of her friends down, since i’ve not contacted them in months…But, i also don’t see anyone jumping through hoops to lend any ideas or make any efforts–so, it’s most likely gonna have to wait on me.  *sigh  i just hope she won’t be disappointed, in the long run—i know she’s not in the land of the living, anymore.  But, she’s still my daughter and will always be so.  i want people–especially her friends and other family members–to celebrate the person she was and the good things she did, especially so Gabe will know she wasn’t always a drug addict.  *sigh  Gosh, that’s hard…  i just have to believe she’s no longer hurting and trying to fit in.                                                                                                                                                              Some of the more recent thoughts have been regarding my relationship with my husband–not just my location.  We’ve talked about our relationship on several occasions, but i can’t help but feel like he’s becoming distant, again.  i get that he’d already begun a relationship with his ‘friend,’ and they are in regular contact, etc.  But, if he’s going to continue to work on that relationship, doesn’t it make sense that this one will suffer–at least drop to a level below ‘spouse’??  i feel like the last time he spoke sincerely about any sort of ‘reconnection’ was more than a month ago, now.  Yep, i get it, though:  my counselor has told me i need to find myself.  (That caused more tears, of course.)  i’ve spent my entire life, just about, trying to help and take care of other people around me, and i have no idea who i am.  That’s a hard pill to swallow.  ya know?  i did begin my pros and cons lists, and at this point, am not surprised at how they seem, so far.  i wish my life was cut’n dry, black’n white, made sense and connect the dots.  But, it’s not, sadly….so many pieces feel like they’ve been chiseled away and left by the wayside.  i still have to try and find me, though.  *sigh  This bites even more, considering the lease here is about to expire in less’n two months….i really wish i had a place to call home–some place to live and stay and never have to worry about needing to leave again.  i’m so tired of relocating…i just want to plant my bum somewhere and pay my bills and get on with things–hopefully, find some peace?  happiness–whatever that is?  contentment?  —anything positive where i don’t have to fret or be ashamed to have my grandson or gf and her son over.  Maybe one day….*sigh  For now, gotta keep on with the baby steps and trying to push myself forward.  


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