Sleep is unattainable.  Remembering the last time I slept for more then a few minutes at a time is a far off memory.  Instead I vividly remember the nights without sleep, the nights I doze off just to wake up bawling, the nights I cry without ever drifting off.

Work was horrible.  So much on my mind.  So many issues.  I hate that I'm back there.  I hate that my life that I loved so much weeks ago is gone.  I hate that the world around me shatters a little more every time I blink.  But I have no choice.  I have to find a way to pay rent within just 10 days.  I'm 550 short right now.  That's a lot.

I wait on my first table.  As I walk away I hear them… Regular customers… "She's the nicest waitress they have ever found & always so happy & smiley."  I just kept walking.  I wanted to turn around & scream.  To ask how the world is so blind that they can't see I'm dying inside, that my eyes are forever swollen, that I'm the fakest person they have ever met.  Yet, I smile.  I hold back the tears & I pretend I'm the fake person everyone wants me to be.  By hour 13 I couldn't fake it anymore, I was sad, lonely, depressed even more.  Seeing all these happy people come in, all these happy couples.  

Wishing I could be that person.  I watched a man, drinking in the bar, get a phonecall.  I watched him take this call.  I watched as he learned from his wife that they were taking his son off of life support & he would be gone.  He hung up the phone, he shook & he got another drink.  Why can't I drown my pain like him?

My BF is gone.  He's moved out.  We can't move with him for 9 months.  So much can change in that timeframe & I'm terrified.  I'm terrified of the what ifs.  I love him too much.  I can't handle the pain I feel with him gone.  I feel so empty.  I feel like the only person in the world I had to lean on is gone.  I feel like I'm missing a huge piece of me.  How will I survive 9 months?  Will it get better then these first few days?  Will it get worse?  I don't know.  Now I'm all alone in a town I know nobody.  I have no friends, I have no help, just me & two little boys against the world.  I'm scared out of my mind.  I'm sobbing at the thought.

And my exhusband is dead.  Again, will I ever get over that?  His mom sent me an email today.  I was already depressed.  The email sent me over the edge.  She's so lost without him.  She told me of her feelings & I realized something… I'm not strong enough to shoulder my own pain, how can I help anyone else.  I always try to help, to be there.  Maybe I've tried too hard.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  I don't know anymore.

I just want to snap my fingers & make everything disappear.  I want to wake up & realize this is all a bad dream.  I'm tired of feeling so empty, alone, numb.  I feel like I'm emotionally dead.  All that's left is tears.