They say to have friends you have to be a friend – I am a friend to people who give me a chance. But most people don't give me a chance. I know I'm quiet at first but I do eventually open up. I wish with everything within me I could be one of those amazingly extroverted people from the start. I wish I could change myself, but as much as I try, I can't. I know if this cloud of depression ever lifted, I would be the life of the party, because I have seen myself in those very rare times and I wish I could be that all the time. But I don't know how to get rid of this fog, I can't seem to escape no matter how hard I try, and I am so close to giving up.
Some days I wish I had never broken up with Eric. I know it was the right thing to do because he wasn't a Christian. But he was the only one who cared about me. And better yet, he was my dance partner, which I am just now realizing how huge that was as I'm back to the cycle of being the girl no one asks to dance again. Out of all the girls in the room, I was the one Eric wanted to dance with, the one he didn't care if I wasn't the best girl dancer in the room, he taught me the steps and by golly, at the end of our 6 months, we were the best couple on the floor, and it was AMAZING.
Last night I went to a swing dance with a friend from church who invited me but hardly paid any attention whatsoever to me. I hate guys like him – ladies men – who just flirt with every girl in sight and make you feel special then just waltz off with someone else. He got some girl's number last night and he doesn't even live here, he lives in Cali and is only here this week. So annoying. Apparently, hanging out with him is just for the sake of accompanying him around so he's not by himself while he hunts for new numbers to add to his phone. I guess it's some sort of conquest, ritual, man-bragging rights game. Whatever it is, I can't stand it…and at the same time, all I could do all night was think about him and how he'd rejected me and wonder what I need to do to be more interesting, appealing, and desireable to guys like him, since I guess all guys are like him. Do I need to wear a mini-skirt? Show some boobs? Be extra giggly? Toss my hair? I don't do any of those things so that must be it.
Doesn't God care that this has been my entire life? Why is He making me go through this AGAIN? Hasn't 26 years of life with only a 6 month breather been enough rejection for one person to handle? I am so freakin angry at God right now for putting me through this again. I have been through it my entire life and it's not fair, I want to move on.
Now, dance, the one thing that used to bring joy in my life, even when I was a little kid, has suddenly become yet another thing to add pain to my already painfilled life. I'm back to being the girl on the sidelines. Watching. Waiting. Hoping someone will want me. And they won't. I'm a black girl in a white man's world and a black girl who can't fit into the black world. I will never find a place to belong.
I don't want to get up anymore. Not if it's just to go on to another day of being a nobody. I'm so unmotivated. I need to be looking for a job right now but this depression just kicked in after so many months of actually being gone and I can't function, I just want to lay in bed all day and cry. I'm so tired of all the pain that I just want to die.
And yet I go on, foolishly hoping that one day life will be different. I am so dumb. I wish I would stop hoping, then I wouldn't have pain. Everything would just be numb and nothing would hurt.