I have been trying to let all of the negativity out of my life. I've forgiven everyone, even myself, it seems. I was writing that in an email, that I've forgiven everyone who wronged me and added that in, thinking it was just B.S. and sounded pretty. But as soon as I wrote it, it's weird, it became true.
The same thing happened to me this morning. I was letting go of my feelings for this doomed relationship. I was really, blissfully over it for about two minutes. I was walking around and passed my company's CFO in the hallway and had a sudden, blessed vision of where I really fit in the world, that I was just kind of like an ant crawling around a jack-o-lantern. I saw myself objectively, as I think others see me, and was happy to be out of my own head even for a moment.
Then the feeling passed and I was the same self-obsessed narcissist you have come to know and love. I started blaming myself for the failure again and my thoughts turned back to her. It doesn't matter how I try to distract myself, I find my thoughts wandering back, like I have thought about her so much over the past couple of months that the memory of her has tracked a deep groove in the center of my brain and no matter where my thoughts try to go, they wind up sucked into this gutterball of a thought process.
I sent her this meaningful text about how sorry I was for harassing her and for my inappropriate behavior, and actually managed in the ensuing, inevitable silence to hold off on sending any more, and she actually got back to me. It was just to say that she forgives me and she does not want any contact at this point. What the hell does that mean? At this point, meaning because of what happened up until this point, in perpetuity, forever and ever amen? Or at this specific point in time, meaning maybe tomorrow or next week will be better? Why won't she just say what she means?
That's exactly what I asked her in about four more texts over the course of about four hours, and a heartfelt email which will probably rot in her spam folder from what she told me. I actually surprised myself by coming out and asking her to tell me that she's done with me so I stop wasting both of our time and still she hasn't responded. I guess this means she is still hopeful for the future, enjoys toying with me, or just doesn't care enough to stop me from wasting my time and continually making an ass out of myself by endlessly repeating this hopeless pattern of self-effacement and helpless puppylike devotion.